


Confidence is Silent: The Fight to Happiness, Freedom and Love

by t_r_lawerence



Category: Glee
Genre: Abuse, Abused!Kurt, Addiction, Alternate Meeting, Alternate Universe, Anal, Angst, Badboy!Kurt, Car Sex, Closeted!Blaine, College!Blaine, College!Kurt, Crimes & Criminals, Crying, Dark, Drama, Drugs, Drunk Kissing, Drunk Texting, Eventual Smut, Feelings, Firsts, Frottage, Gay Sex, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt, Intoxication, Issues, Love, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Orgasm, Phone Sex, Pining, Romance, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Skank!Kurt, Smut, Soulmates, Substance Abuse, Teasing, Tension, Trauma, Tutor!Blaine, Uber, abused!blaine, acoholism, age!gap, lgtbq themes, older!blaine, student!Kurt, virgin!blaine, younger!kurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:08:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 43,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_r_lawerence/pseuds/t_r_lawerence
Summary: Blaine Anderson had finally arrived to his senior year of college and had done everything perfectly. He had a perfect resume, a perfect GPA, and even looked perfect. He had stayed away from dating; he had only focused on school in an attempt to make his family proud.Kurt Hummel was Lima Ohio’s biggest fuck up. He had done everything there was and was shocked that he had survived his senior year of high school and even got into a college. Now that he was starting his college life, he vowed to recreate himself, and become a different person than who he was in Lima.When Blaine begins to tutor Kurt, they both begin to question their lives, and what is meant to be. And as they simultaneously go through their own fights towards happiness and freedom, the universe begins pulling them together in ways each never expected.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	1. Ocean Eyes: POV Blaine

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one. 
> 
> Author Notes: To be honest this is my first ever fic. So PLEASE leave reviews, I would love to improve it in any way I can. I wanted to create an AU in which Blaine and Kurt meet in a moment in which they are both in transition, and trying to conquer trauma and abuse in their own ways. This is therefore a super angsty story, but I think the angst will make the eventual fluff at the end even better. This is a SUPER SLOW BURNING fic. So trust and believe that you are in for a ride with this fic, but when they finally end up together it makes it even sweeter. Lastly, the boys are both super horny, so there's a lot of sexual themes and sex in this fic. If you aren't into smut, skip out now bro, cause by chapter four cock is all over this. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this. And thanks for reading.

Life had never been easy for Blaine Anderson. He had always been too sensitive, too sweet, and too caring. Throughout his high school years, he attended and boarded at the all-boys school Dalton Academy. Dalton trained him to be well mannered and composed, and he never strayed from the narrow path. He knew his father was paying for Dalton because of his “shortcomings” and therefore his father expected him to make good on his investment. Blaine knew after high school he didn’t have many options and because he wanted to impress his father and have his college paid for he applied to attend a small university in Virginia. Charles and Baylen University (CBU) was one of the first universities to form in the United States and had a prestigious business program that Blaine knew would impress his father. It was also a university closely aligned with the Catholic church and therefore he knew he could get his mother on board with him going out of state.

His parents, like many other parents in Ohio, are traditionalists. They had been high school sweethearts and married when they were both 21. His father ran an impressive law firm, his mother stayed home and homeschooled him until he was of age to go to middle school, and then she became a preschool teacher at their local catholic parish. Blaine’s father never took much of a liking to his son, in part due to the fact that Blaine had been sensitive as a child. He never wanted to play in the mud, but instead wanted to play dress up, and sing songs, and act out the characters in his books. His father never grew to understand him and after the incident that occurred in Blaine’s 7th-grade year, he ended up shunning his son away. Blaine’s mother loved the fact that Blaine was sensitive and quiet and theatrical, but she soon realized that his spirit would not go over well in the catholic church and encouraged Blaine to do things that were more masculine in nature. She soon became the echo of his father and kept her mouth shut to avoid disagreements, and she too shunned him once he was boarding at Dalton. It made his family-run smoother to only have to be together on holidays, or at church and work events. Blaine, after the incident, learned how to maintain his composer no matter what. He learned how to always appear happy, and always made sure to keep everyone at an arm’s length from him. 

Today was the beginning of his senior year at CBU and he was excited. It was crazy how fast time passed in college. He had done great and was going to be second or first in his graduating class as long as he maintained his pristine grade point average. He also had gotten involved in several clubs and was the president of the business fraternity Alpha Kappa Psi. He was also mentoring middle school students at the boys and girls club and had an internship with the city’s director of finance. He had the perfect resume, and the perfect set up to be able to move on from college and get a well-paying job. He also made a little extra cash each month by tutoring fellow students.

He was excited to start his day and selected an outfit for the day that made him feel like his best self; a pair of tight khaki’s, a dark brown belt, a dark green dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, with a cream bow tie, and cream sneakers. The green went well with his dark olive complexion and the cream reflected well against his brown eyes. He had shaved clean the day before and therefore had slight stubble and had chosen to leave his curls alone and cut them short in a faded look. He had finally thrown away all that raspberry hair gel he had used since high school. He topped the look off with a pair of light gold aviator ray bans. He was no longer the kid Blane Anderson; he was the college senior Blaine Anderson ready to conquer everything.

His schedule was tight today with classes, a fraternity meeting, lunch with his internship supervisor, and on top of all of that he would have to be a friendly face on campus because of the incoming freshman. CBU had a small undergraduate student population and therefore, he was kind and composed and helpful at all times because more than likely if he wasn’t someone would hear about it and he had worked too hard to be at the top of his class to have someone saying he was rude. So Blaine took a deep breath, said his mantra, _“confidence is silent. courage.”_ He grabbed his black backpack and headed to campus.

********

Blane went through the day and it was everything he had expected. He had gone to every class and got plenty of compliments on his new look at his meetings. After his day was wrapping up, he went to the dining hall to get a sandwich and then was going to head to his off-campus apartment to organize his week and review some of the assignments and create his homework schedule. While on his way to the dining hall around 5 pm he saw a guy looking confused sitting on one of the wooden benches a couple of meters away from the entrance to the dining hall. He had noticed him purely because of his bright green tight dress pants, and the short-sleeved tight white polo and white sneakers he wore with it. It was a bold color choice and Blaine knew he had to be a freshman because he would have surely noticed someone dressed in those sorts of colors. He thought to continue walking into the hall because he wanted to get home by 6 but instead couldn’t help but let himself walk over to the confused boy.

“Hello, do you need anything?” Blaine said to the boy who was looking in the other direction of the path with his back turned slightly to Blaine. The figure turned around quickly and looked at Blaine with a look of relief, and Blaine lost himself to the depth of the boy’s ocean blue eyes. Blaine had never seen such bright blue eyes and couldn’t help but look a little too intently in them. The man quickly helped him snap out his gaze by answering his question. “Hi, and yes I do need something, I’m sorry to bother you but would you be willing to help me to the dining hall. I missed freshman orientation and haven’t gotten fully acquainted with the campus.”

Blaine was happy to help to replying, “Of course I can help you with that. Do you have your student ID?” “Yep, just need to know where to go.” “Perfect, let me go ahead and walk you on over there.” Blaine waited for the blue-eyed boy to get his satchel situated on his shoulder and began walking on over to the entrance to the dining hall, remarking how nice the dining hall workers were. He also described the rules and norms and showed him how to swipe his ID card and what all was good and what was not as good. After the tour and after the blue-eyed boy had gotten his food, Blaine took the opportunity to grab his to-go meal and was about to say goodbye to the blue-eyed boy. The boy turned to Blaine and said, “Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it.” Blaine said, “no problem, I hope you have a good night” and promptly left.

He ordered his uber to his apartment, and on the car ride home could only think of those ocean-like blue eyes. Blaine had followed his plan. If he was ever encountered with a moment in which he felt could threaten his maintained composure, especially if the individual was particularly beautiful, he had always decided he would never ask their name, be kind and helpful, and then promptly leave. No extra chatting, and no names. He knew of only business. If the individual would boost his resume or become a good contact in the future or if it was one of the students, he got paid to tutor then he would take the time. But if it wasn’t related to school, or work then he had no time to waste on whomever it was, even if their eyes were beautiful. He nicknamed the boy Ocean and as soon as he walked into his apartment had decided to try to forget of the incident altogether, knowing a nickname would only get him into trouble. He got on with his planned routine and tried to forget about the encounter. Being Blaine Anderson had never been easy, but on that night, after his first day of senior year, Blaine Anderson realized just how lonely he was. And he dreamt that night of submerging himself in the Pacific Ocean.


	2. Starting New: POV Kurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt Hummel was kind, and caring, introspective, and strong, and was the kind of person who would take care of everyone around him, at one point in his life. But in the past couple of years, Kurt had turned into an individual no one could stand. He stopped caring about anyone, including himself and his senior year of high school was one bad decision after another. So, when Kurt got the acceptance letter from Charles and Baylen University (CBU), he quickly accepted their offer. He was lucky to have gotten into a college and knew he had to take up the opportunity or else his Dad would finally give up on him. Kurt had arrived at CBU on the first day of classes and hadn’t even bothered to tour the campus or come to new student orientation. He had a horrible summer, and honestly, was surprised he even made it to campus.

That first day of classes had been the first day of the new Kurt Hummel. He got ready in bright green dress pants, and a short-sleeved white polo shirt with a floral embroidered collar, and while doing so thought of everything he was going to be. He was going to be happy, and appear innocent, and he’d be himself, as though he hadn’t just lived the last year of his life as a juvenile delinquent. Kurt Hummel was going to be successful, and not waste his life away because his dad wants more for him, and if he was going to do anything, it would make his dad proud. Even though in actuality, Kurt was no fully convinced that he could trust himself not to screw up, he still willed himself to believe he could be someone new. 

Kurt had gone about the first day of classes without too much trouble using the app on his phone of the university campus to figure out where he needed to be. But as soon as the day started winding down, and as he started to get hungry, he began to become frustrated. He sat down to try to figure out where to go, feeling stupid for not being able to find the only dining hall on campus, when this handsome guy with brown eyes and curly hair approached him. Kurt quickly took up his offer for help to the dining hall, purely because the guy who had approached him had the nicest choice in clothes and had the nicest ass in those tight khaki’s. Kurt followed him into the dining hall and couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by how nice it was that this random guy would take the time to show him around the dining hall, but the interaction was short and left Kurt with food and a stranger on the brain.

When Kurt got back to his cramped dorm room, he sat on his bed and took the time to do his moisturizing routine in peace and while doing so couldn’t help but think about how shocking it was to him that he not only made it to college but that he made it through the day without a breakdown. He then thought of the hot guy who had helped him in the dining hall and decided to make the choice. The new Kurt Hummel was at CBU, not the Kurt Hummel from Lima, Ohio, and therefore, no guys. He can’t go back to the way he was, not when he had actually scored a ticket out of that shithole. And he knew, that by having a boyfriend or even getting involved, it would put him back into the stupidity he left behind. The new Kurt Hummel was a CBU fashion design major, ready to get school done and ready to conquer the world.


	3. Spinning: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one. 
> 
> I hope y'all like this chapter. We are finally getting the boys into the same room for an hour at a time.

“Blaine! Blaine!!! Blaine!!!” Blaine could hear the screams of his mother become fainter and fainter as he continued to sink down and down into the unending depths of the ocean. He wanted nothing in life and was too angry, and sad to consider swimming up to the surface, he just wanted to sink. BEEP... BEEP…BEEP.

Blaine awoke from his dream to his 6 am alarm, which he promptly rolled over and snoozed. He laid there feeling melancholy after having that dream. Some days were harder than others, but he took a deep breath and sat up knowing he had a busy day and needed to catch a shower. He showered and dressed in navy blue tight dress pants, a white belt, and a white dress shirt, with his favorite pair of brown dress shoes. He put some product in his hair to keep his curls bouncy and put on his gold glasses. It was now a month into the semester, and everything had been going well for Blaine Anderson, everything was operating as it should. He was as happy as one could be and even decided to help with some of the upcoming homecoming festivities so he could appear to be more of a team player. Sometimes he would have moments where he swore he was a psychopath because he did everything with the thought of trying to impress other people and maintain his image, but he knew he wasn’t soulless, just focused on getting by. He was becoming more and more anxious that he wouldn’t be good enough for graduate schools, and the modern job market. But he tried to remind himself that he was doing everything he could to be perfect and that as long as he stayed focused, he would be fine.

He was ready to go and grabbed his backpack and decided to take the long walk to campus. He went to the library and checked his email to see if anyone had signed up for tutoring. Now that the semester was underway, he knew more students would start to sign up, especially because he tutored accounting 101 which did not always click with the art students and was one of the harder freshman classes. He opened his laptop and an email popped up from the tutoring registration site. He saw that Kurt Hummel had signed up for tutoring with him at 7 pm today. He wasn’t particularly happy that someone had signed up for his last session of the day but knew it would help him get a good paycheck and quickly dismissed the complaint. He read through Kurt’s information, learning he was a freshman majoring in fashion design with a minor in business. And added him to his schedule.

By the time he got to his internship at 9 am he had already completed his assignments for the next couple of days and got together his meeting information for Alpha Kappa Psi. He was on a roll, and before he knew it the day had already left him.

********

It was nearing 6 pm, so he went to grab a green juice and wait for his new student. The tutors could select a designated building to meet their students in and Blaine had chosen the business building because that’s where he spent most of his time and because it was the nicest one on campus. The building was architecturally beautiful. It was nothing but glass and faced the west and backed up to the east, so the sunlight would carry through at all times of the day. Blaine sat down at his favorite corner table so he could face the door and look out the window to his left and enjoy the sunset. It was the quiet moments in the business building where he could just enjoy being, they were his favorite in the day. He was honestly still a sensitive person although it never appeared to anyone else.

While watching the sunset and the colors change in the sky, he got to thinking about how sad it was that he had decided to live the way he did. He had chosen to never have a love life because it kept him focused on being the mild-mannered and contained person that would allow him to please his family and work towards a life in which he could live without financial worries. He had chosen to live as though he was placed on earth to only work. He never had close friends, just people he could call friends on the surface. He never went to parties, or concerts, and rarely sang, which he had loved to do in high school. His moment of reflection returned him to that state of melancholy and sadness that always caught up with him at the end of the day. He was hurt and sad that he had chosen this way of life, that really wasn’t living, but he knew it was the least risky and kept him safe, and he would have to get over himself. His thoughts were interrupted when he saw a guy walking towards him.

The guy approached him looking nervous and Blaine instantly recognized him. Ocean. He was the young freshman with the ocean blue eyes he had helped to the dining hall on the first day of the semester. He could never fully seem to forget his eyes.

“Hi, are you Blaine Anderson?” Blaine stood up and reached his hand out, “Hello, yes, my name is Blaine, and I take it you are Kurt?”

Kurt seemed a little taken aback and said nervously, “Why hello, and yes my name is Kurt, Kurt Hummel.”

Blaine couldn’t help but be a little overwhelmed by those blue eyes but knew it was just like any other tutoring job and he would be fine. “Well Mr. Hummel, it’s so nice to meet you. Would you like to take a seat and get started?” Blane asked like a typical gentleman.

“yes, and you can call me Kurt. Mr. Hummel is my father.” Blaine could tell that Kurt was nervous and gave him a small smile as they sat down.

Blaine always began his time with a new tutee by introducing himself in order to make the student feel more comfortable. “So, I am a senior here at CBU majoring in Business. I enjoy football and tutoring. So, what do you need help with?”

Kurt began to describe what he needed help with and as he did so Blaine started to feel a feeling that he hadn’t felt in years; it was the feeling of a flutter. He knew it had to have been Kurt’s eyes, or the complexion of his skin that looked so soft, or his round and full pink lips that were moving. Blaine could feel himself flutter and instantly knew this wasn’t a good idea.

Blaine proceeded to talk to Kurt about what he needed to improve on in his accounting class and then said, “Well Kurt, you have quite a lot to work on, usually I don’t do weekly tutoring in this time slot, its usually for those students who have a test and need a one-time study buddy, but if you can’t work with my schedule I understand. There are plenty of other tutors who can work with you.” He knew he was giving himself an out. He had worked too hard to have a young gorgeous freshman distract him. He knew that the boy may not even be gay and even if he was, may never like him like that but he just couldn’t risk it.

Kurt responded with a hint of disappointment in his voice saying, “Oh. Well, I actually selected this time just because it allowed me a break before coming to tutoring. But I can work out my schedule and look into different times. I would much prefer you, just because, well…

Kurt paused a moment and Blaine could see him get slightly more nervous “I remember how helpful you were in the dining hall that day, and well, I know it's probably weird of me to remember that, but it was so nice of you. So yeah, I’m sorry for being weird, if me bringing that up was weird, and now I’m just rambling. Sorry about that.”

Blaine knew he would hate himself for doing it, but he went ahead and just said it, “Oh that’s not weird at all Kurt. I’m sorry I never asked you your name that day. You know, because you’re a nice kid, how about we just keep this time every week till the semesters over. Tuesdays at 7 pm sound good?”

Kurt was surprised at the offer and said, “Oh, you really don’t have to. I know you are probably extremely busy being a senior and all.”

Blaine, knowing it wasn’t the safest idea, said “Kurt it's really no problem at all, especially because you have a pretty long list of concepts you’re struggling with,”

Kurt replied with a hint of relief “As long as it is not an issue then that would be great. I really appreciate it.”

Blaine feeling the urge to move on as soon as possible said, “Okay so let’s get started. What do you need help with when it comes to statement cash flows?”

*************

Blaine got into his Uber and instantly regretted what he had just done. “ _Blaine it’s a job. Just do your job and you will be fine. The flutter was nothing. It was just a weird moment.”_ Blaine, on the way home, kept talking to himself trying to feel better about the situation, and justifying his actions because he was getting paid to tutor after all. But he couldn’t help but be nervous, and mad just because he knew what a flutter meant. He had a flutter with his first crush and his second crush, and he had vowed after those first experiences to avoid that feeling. It was too distracting and risky, and he honestly didn’t have time for it. But a tiny part of him was excited, and that’s why he agreed to tutor Kurt. Because he was finally excited for something and had something to look forward to, and he was actually doing something risky, and maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought it would be and now his mind was spinning, and his heart was wanting and his body was tired. By the time he got back to his apartment he was so tired from the inner battle, that he just stripped down to his boxer briefs and went to bed. Trying to avoid thinking of those dreamy blue eyes, and the softest of lips.


	4. The Tutor: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt had gotten to the Friday of the second week of school and soon realized that accounting was impossible to understand. He asked his professor what he could do to better prepare for the exams and quizzes and his professor suggested he start tutoring. Kurt quickly got on his computer and signed up with a tutor for Tuesday night at 7pm, and he made sure to save the confirmation email with the location information.

He had truly forgotten about it, until Monday rolled around and he was sitting with his roommate talking about how lame and stupid his accounting class was. Xander was a mixed boy, with super curly hair, and blue eyes, and he was Kurt’s roommate. Kurt got lucky and ended up with a super chill roommate, and for once, someone who was not gay and not homophobic. Xander was just a chill person; he had let Kurt decorate their entire dorm room in a black and white theme and didn’t even care when Kurt asked to store a couple of pairs of shoes in his wardrobe. Xander only had one rule and it went for both of them, no dorm room guest. They both agreed to keep significant others, no matter the gender, out of their room. And since then they had become good friends. 

“So who is your tutor?” Xander asked, curious about it. “It’s a guy named Blaine Anderson.” Kurt quickly saw Xander’s eyes grow wide, “Dude! Do you know who that is?” Kurt was confused and shook his head in the negative. “Seriously! I can’t believe you do not know who Blaine Anderson is. He is a senior Business Major on campus who does like everything. He is super-hot, and super smart, and has a 4.0 GPA and is basically like the Ken doll of CBU, except he’s never been known to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Like he’s perfect. And the reason he is ‘known’ is because he’s so perfect. Like I don’t know how someone can be that way. There’s a rumor that he’s never missed a class in his 4 years of college. Crazy, if you ask me.”

Kurt replied to Xander with a head nod and a lift of an eyebrow. Just a simple response that showed he may or may not care. “okay then. Well I’ll let you know how it goes. I think I’m going to listen to my Ipod. Good night”. As Kurt laid down in his bed, he felt his anxiety and self-deprecation entering the surface. Blaine Anderson, CBU’s Mr. Perfect, was going to be tutoring Kurt Hummel, Lima Ohio’s fuck up. Kurt was nowhere near perfect and knew it too. He had been so stupid in the past year and now was going to be getting tutored by a guy who probably hadn’t even thought of doing half the shit Kurts done.

Kurt woke up Tuesday morning and as per usual, didn’t feel like getting out of bed, but did anyway. Thank the gods he had taken the time to pick all of his outfits out for the week, and prearrange them, because he was tired just from being awake for the hour it took him to drink his coffee. He applied tinted moisturizer on his wrists to cover up a couple of scars he wishes he didn’t have, and then threw on a pair of tight red skinny jeans, and black turtle neck long sleeve shirt, with a gold belt. He then added a gingham print blazer with a red stripe going down each arm, and a pair of combat boots. Kurt always enjoyed layers, it made him feel a little more reserved and less exposed.

He also enjoyed switching it up, and that’s the reason he chose to go into fashion design. He wanted to work in a world that didn’t have rules, and figured he’d get closest to that by going into fashion. As soon as he was dressed, he took a few deep breaths while looking at himself in the tiny mirror that sat on his desk. He was doing a good job at being the new Kurt Hummel. He hadn’t gotten too involved in anyone or anything, hadn’t gotten emotional, hadn’t had sex, or a drink. He was doing great, and felt like maybe, just maybe he could get through college a lot better than he did high school. Maybe he could finally move on and stop acting like a dumbass. He grabbed his black satchel and headed out the door so he could be early for his first class.

The day seemed to go by in one hour, because before Kurt could see it coming he was on his way to the business building, and honestly dreading it. Accounting class and the homework it required was already difficult enough, but then doing an extra hour for tutoring was going to be exhausting. And on top of how difficult the work was, he was being tutored by CBU’s “perfect” student. But Kurt dismissed that thought as soon as it came to mind because he wanted to do good and wasn’t going to let himself fall down the hole of self-deprecation right now. He walked into the building and as he walked in he saw a guy sitting in the far corner table next to the window, and began to walk over there when he noticed that it was the guy from his first day at CBU he couldn’t help but feel nervous. The butterflies came first, and then the need came second, but he stayed focus and approached him, “Hi, are you, Blaine Anderson?”

Blaine looked up at Kurt and stood up while responding and shaking hands with him. Kurt instantly felt a little nervous because Blaine was looking at him like he was seeing into his soul. His big brown eyes meeting his with intensity. Kurt and Blaine sat down. Kurt began to tell Blaine about what he was struggling with accounting. As Kurt was talking, he could tell that Blaine wasn’t listening to him as much as he was just taking him in, scanning his face as though he had intentions of saving it to a memory file. Kurt felt overwhelmed and yet could also feel the butterflies in his stomach intensify at the feeling of this gorgeous man, wearing gold, noticing him. The feeling continued as Blaine began talking about his schedule, saying that this time at 7 pm on Tuesdays was usually for a student who needed test study, and not for a weekly student, and therefore, Blaine suggested Kurt look at other tutors whose schedules may be more accommodating to him. Kurt was conflicted because Blaine was hot and super smart and made him feel, but Kurt promised himself he wouldn’t hunt out men, even if they were seemingly checking him out. But for some reason, Blaine felt different and Kurt was about to do something so seemingly ‘innocent’ but knew that it would probably get him in trouble in the end. God, he was going to curse himself, “Oh. Well, I actually selected this time just because it allowed me a break before coming to tutoring. But I can work out my schedule and look into different times. I would much prefer you, just because, well…

Kurt paused a moment in order to appear slightly more nervous “I remember how helpful you were in the dining hall that day, and well, I know it’s probably weird of me to remember that, but it was so nice of you. So yeah, I’m sorry for being weird, if me bringing that up was weird, and now I’m just rambling. Sorry about that.” He wanted Blaine, and his beautiful, mouth water body, to sit across from every Tuesday and thought he should share how he felt about Blaine’s actions in the dining hall, hoping it would give him an advantage. Blaine looked at him and Kurt saw Blaine’s eyes become slightly softer, and he replied, “Oh that’s not weird at all Kurt. I’m sorry I never asked you your name that day. You know, because you’re a nice kid, how about we just keep this time every week till the semesters over. Tuesdays at 7pm sound good?”

Kurt quickly replied instantly thanking Blaine, while simultaneously feeling his head and his heart playing tug of war. Thankfully before Kurt could get too caught up in his head, they began to review some of the material in Kurt’s textbook, and before he knew it the session was over.

As Kurt walked back to his dorm, he couldn’t help but think about how beautiful Blaine was. He was fashion-forward and the gold aviators with his cheek bones, and brown eyes, and his curls perfectly tamed, it was all just gorgeously mouth-watering to look at. And yet he was so pissed at himself because he swore off seeking relationships and hook ups literally two weeks ago. The new Kurt Hummel didn’t need to constantly be with someone, even though he wanted to be, because at least if one person was interested in him then it would make him feel like he was worth something. He decided to stick to tutoring and keep an arm’s length, he can look, but cannot pursue. He had gotten so far and didn’t want to rebound now that he had finally escaped Ohio.


	5. Blue: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine woke the next morning before his alarm sounded. He rolled over and moaned as the friction increased between the fabric and his morning hardon. He knew it was Wednesday and therefore his body would do this to him. Blaine had no time for love life and therefore avoided anything sexual as much as possible in high school and in the early half of college. But as he got older, he got increasingly needier and began to create a schedule so he could at least do it as a stress reliever. So, he decided to take care of himself every Wednesday and Sunday morning with an extra-long shower. He knew he was weird, but he felt like it was a waste of time and he also felt as though he really didn’t deserve the pleasure, but instead did it for clinical purposes. 

He stumbled into his bathroom and started the shower. He got in and could see the steam rising and fogging the glass door, and he started to stroke himself steadily. He had never thought of anyone while doing it, just closed his eyes and let his body take care of everything. But this time he closed his eyes and saw blue. He saw ocean eyes, and the boy’s pale complexion and chiseled cheekbones and sharp jawline and his round, full pink lips, and he stroked himself faster and faster. He soon felt the heat pooling at his stomach and grabbed onto the shower door handle to steady himself as he came all over himself and the shower door. He ended up on the shower floor riding out the feeling of his orgasm. It was the strongest orgasm he had ever had and a part of him enjoyed every bit of it. 

As he began to stand up and continue on with his shower he turned his face to the water and let emotion overwhelm him. Blaine cried because he knew at that moment that he had a crush. And with that realization came the hard truth that Blaine would do everything he could to avoid it. He had worked too hard, for too long to be held back, or get caught up in something that could derail his goals. He also could never have someone rely on him. He never wanted another person to depend on him. Blaine knew he never wanted to be a part of someone else’s happiness; it was too much for him. He had issues, and only wanted to work, and come home to a bottle of wine and then head to bed. He didn’t deserve love and he didn’t want to cause heartbreak. 

Blaine got out of the shower, and as he began to get dressed he became more and more composed and contained with every item of clothing he added. By the time he was slipping on his glasses and fastening his watch he had become the perfect Blaine Anderson, with the best resume, best grades, surface-level friends, and was ready to go through his day with his happy façade. “Courage Blaine. Confidence is silent. You are the perfect worker, student, intern, tutor. You are working towards wealth.” And as he walked out of his apartment, he vowed to not think of the boy who was surely haunting him. 

A week went by quickly. Blaine kept himself busy, even completing a research assignment two weeks early over the weekend to keep his mind from wandering too far. It was now Tuesday morning and he was lying in bed trying to decide whether or not to call off his tutoring appointment with Kurt. He knew though that he had committed to tutoring him and that it would cost him money and maybe even give him a bad name and he decided against it. He was a grown man who needed to keep himself in check and just do his job. He was at least three years, maybe even four years older than Kurt, and therefore needed to carry himself in such a manner. He needed to stop being so sensitive and touchy feely and become colder to the whole thing. He had this under control and just needed to do his job. He took a deep breath and got into the shower. 

After his shower, he dressed business casual in black skinny jeans, and a tight navy-blue turtleneck sweater that was made of a material that was light enough for the early October weather and showed off the biceps he had worked on all summer. He cuffed his jeans and finished the look off with a pair of brown leather ankle boots and a matching brown leather belt. He always dressed to look the part of someone who had everything and was successful and while looking at himself in the full-length mirror he felt as though he had accomplished that. He had mentally prepared for his tutoring all day and knew that after all these years of training he could trust himself to remain professional and therefore he went about his day with an extra pep in his step. “Confidence is silent.”

Six o’clock came quick and he enjoyed watching the sunset over the small town of Williamsburg Virginia as he sat at his usual table in the business building and reviewed his plan of keeping it professional. At exactly seven o’clock, Kurt arrived and had plenty of questions for Blaine. They got right into it, discussing cash flows, balance sheets, and shortcuts in excel, and to Blaine’s surprise the session went by in a flash. He hadn’t gotten distracted or starred too long into those dreamy blue eyes. He felt good and was proud that the flutter was, what he had hoped, a fluke. But as he started to pack up his small travel whiteboard and pen, he couldn’t help but notice Kurt raking over him. 

Kurt cleared his throat and said, “Blaine, I just wanted to thank you again for tutoring me. This session was really helpful.” Blaine was relieved at that comment, and of course replied, “I’m happy I can be useful to your academic success”. Proud he was keeping it one hundred percent professional. 

Then Kurt in a slightly quieter voice said, “And I just wanted to let you know you look very good.” Blaine taken aback by the compliment smiled kindly and gentlemanly at Kurt, who he swore had the slightest pink to his cheeks, and said, “Thank you.” 

He had finished packing up and began to walk out of the building with Kurt when they both went through the doorway at once and he felt the backs of their hands brush slightly against each others. Blaine in an apologetic tone said, “Excuse me. Go ahead of me. I’ll see you next week.” Kurt replied sounding slightly out of breath, “Sounds good. See you next week.” As Kurt walked out of the entrance to the building and down the path Blaine couldn’t help but stare at his ass, which was round in his tight white skinny jeans, which he had paired with a neon green and white striped dress shirt and a pair of neon green high-top sneakers. 

Blaine stood there, even after he could no longer see Kurt. He couldn’t seem to move. He had just been electrocuted by the boy’s touch. He instantly after that touch felt the flutter return in full force low in the pit of his stomach. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He started walking back to his apartment, hoping that the 20-minute walk would calm his senses and will him back into a composed and focused headspace. He was not a guy who sought after boys. He was not the guy who even looked at them. He was focused on other, more important things. But that simple touch had done more to him than any other. 

Blaine went through the possibilities in his mind. He thought he may be feeling this way because he hadn’t actually felt a flutter since his senior year of high school. But then again, he knew deep down, that it just felt different. His brain soon wandered to the what-ifs. What if he had just grabbed the beautiful boy’s hand and held it?

He got home, and went straight to his bedroom, and swore as he undressed, he could still smell the faint smell of Kurt’s cologne, a mixture of sandalwood and cedar, musky and fresh. Blaine laid down on top of his bed, not even caring to pull the cover back. He just laid there, trying to figure out what was happening to him. He never looked at someone’s ass. Never got excited because of an accidental brush of a hand. He never thought this way. He took a deep breath and instantly knew it was much worse than he thought, and instantly knew deep down that no matter how much he tried to stop the fall, it wouldn’t be possible. As he began to fall asleep, he saw the faintest colors of ocean blue and neon green on the back of his eyelids.


	6. First Drink: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt had left Ohio with just enough money to get him through the first two months in Williamsburg thanks to his dad, but he knew it wouldn’t last long and needed to do what he was dreading, find a job. The work wasn’t the problem, Kurt preferred to work and earn his way, it was the rough reminder of his failures and mistakes, and his dumb ass getting involved in the wrong crowd and for the wrong purposes, that was the problem. He had spent the past week applying to different places and had received two calls for interviews which he scheduled for Wednesday so he would have time to prepare and get his homework done. 

On Tuesday he woke up and couldn’t help but feel the weight of the loaming interviews at the forefront of his mind, the anxiety hovering over him like a cloud about to burst, and old habits threatened to resurface. As he got ready, he looked at the scars on his wrists and thought about it. Maybe the pain would blur out the anxiety, but he then refocused himself. The new Kurt Hummel could handle anxiety, and not need to harm or drink or take anything. He could do this. He quickly got ready in a causal streetwear outfit, tight white skinny jeans, neon green and white striped dress shirt, and a pair of neon green high-top sneakers. Kurt felt like being comfortable and couldn’t care less about looking professional. 

He left his dorm room, and went to the dining hall, and then continued about his day. By the time he was eating a snack at around 4pm he was exhausted and just wanted to spend his break between class and tutoring sleeping, but instead, he went to his car. His car was kept in the freshman parking lot on the very edge of campus. Kurt had gotten lucky and his dad was able to find him a luxury 2010 Honda Accord Crosstour in a diamond blue color, and it was nice. He only drove it to and from Ohio but had discovered in the past couple of weeks that it was a safe haven, away from the busyness of his dorm hall, and campus life. It nice to have a place to go and listen to music and gather his thoughts. He preferred being alone when he was super anxious because he never wanted to let on that he was struggling. His roommate Xander, had probably picked up on it a little bit, but Kurt wasn’t going to let him see the reality of his emotional state.  
*****************************

The past year had been a whirlwind for Kurt, and it all started with his dad. His father was his only family, his mother had died when he was 7 and since then it had always been him and his dad. It was a really warm September day when he saw Mr. Schuster, his glee teacher, and Ms. Pillsbury, the school counselor coming towards him in French class, with pale and concerned faces. He was out in the hall and on their way to Ms. Pillsbury’s office, but he couldn’t take it, and just wanted to know. 

“Tell me, I’m a big kid, what the hell is going on?” Mr. Schuster’s eyes looked away from Kurt’s, and he begged, “Kurt, please let’s just get to Ms. Pillsbury’s office, where you can sit down, and then we can talk.” Kurt looked at him, and with as much strength he could muster said, “NO! You can tell me right here right now.” Ms. Pillsbury finally stepped in, looking at Kurt with a pale face and wide teary eyes, and said it as softly as she could, “Kurt, your father is at the hospital, he had a heartache about an hour ago, and they are working to get him stabilized.” Kurt could feel the ground crumbling beneath him, and all he could think was that he had to run and get to his father as soon as he could. There was no time to process everything, there was no time to cry, he just needed to get there and took off running. He ran and ran and ran and before he knew it, he was at the hospital and yelling at the front desk staff to let him back to be with his father. 

After that day in his life, everything changed. His father was in a coma for a week, and by the time he came out of it, it was already too late. His father was going to be okay, and recover, but Kurt wasn’t okay, he was far from it and it would haunt him. Kurt had been through so much, he had lived through his mother’s death and survived the years of bullying and harassment, but for some reason, he just couldn’t seem to get through almost losing his father, without the vices and the bad habits, and the bad people and more. He had effectively continued to spiral out of control since that point and he was honestly shocked he was even sitting in his car, at a university, and not sitting in prison instead. It was honestly pure luck he had made it this far, and therefore Kurt knew, he had to breathe through the anxiety, and be smart, and remain focused. He couldn’t do that to himself again. He couldn’t disappoint his father. It was hard, and Kurt knew it. He was exhausted, and decided to blast a song by Lorde, and close his eyes, and lose himself to the bass and pretend he was doing great, because in all actuality to everyone else he was, but he knew deep down that he was only surviving.  
********************************

7 pm came around and Kurt went into the business building and could see the golden sun reflecting in Blaine’s beautiful brown eyes, which seemed to sparkle. Kurt could feel the butterflies stir as they reviewed Kurt’s accounting homework, and aggregate budget reports. The session went by fairly quickly, and as they were packing up, he couldn’t help it. He let his eyes look at Blaine, and notice his bottom lip, and the way his neck is curved, and the bob of his Adam's apple, and Kurt felt tingly. Kurt wanted to say something to Blaine and decided to say the more professional thing first. “Blaine, I just wanted to thank you again for tutoring me. This session was really helpful.” Blaine looked at him and gave him a considerate smile, “I’m happy I can be useful to your academic success”.

Kurt couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed at that response. It was such a clinical response and professional response, and Kurt couldn’t help but want Blaine to be a little less professional and a little more friendly. He decided he was going to push it and see what his reply would be this time. “And I just wanted to let you know you look very good.” Blaine looked taken aback by the compliment and smiled kindly, replying “Thank you.” Kurt couldn’t help but feel a little deflated but knew he needed to keep his space. It was already stupid of him to feel tingly for Blane, saying how he is CBU’s ken doll, that doesn’t date. Kurt got up and began walking to the door with Blaine, making a comment about how he’d come to him next week with more questions, when they both tried to go through the door, Kurt felt the back of Blaine’s hand meet his own. Blaine quickly apologized and like a true gentleman let Kurt through the door first. Kurt wasn’t paying attention to what he had said to Blaine, he just knew he needed to walk back to his dorm. 

Kurt had felt Blaine’s skin against his own, and unlike anyone he’s ever been with, he somehow had gotten out of breath due to the tiniest of interactions. It felt like Blaine had just kissed him. Kurt was a fluttery mess, and his heartbeat was racing, and he could feel the warmth from Blaine’s hand like the heat from a stove. It was such a small, and simple touch, yet it made him feel intoxicated. Kurt got back to his dorm room, sat his bag down, and went straight for the en-suit bathroom, which luckily every dorm room at CBU had. He turned around and locked the door, and as soon as that was done, rest his head against the door. He held the back of his hand to his face, and with his other hand began to unbutton his white skinny jeans. He began to stroke his already hard leaking cock and as he stroked, he felt his hand against his face, and closed his eyes, and saw Blaine’s brown eyes and his jawbone and the slight stubble, and his curls, and he began to stroke faster and faster. 

He eventually had to move his hand from his cheek to cover his mouth because the need to moan had become too great as he imagined Blaine’s chest, and his back, and what Blaine would look like with his cock shoved in Blaine’s ass, and at that he felt his orgasm approach, hot and blinding, as he came all over his hand, and shirt. God, he had not had an orgasm that good in a really long time and had to take several minutes to recover. Once his breathing returned to normal, he stripped, and showered, and then went to bed, in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs. He laid there reveling in the fact that he had just had the best orgasm and didn’t even care that it was due to the fact he was falling for his damn tutor.


	7. The Interview: POV kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt woke Wednesday morning feeling disappointed that the euphoria from last night had dissipated. He was now waking to the stress and the anxiety he had gotten lucky enough to forget about last night. He got up, and went straight to his desk, where his small mirror was. He sat down and applied his morning moisturizer and creams. After doing so he then got dressed in a business professional outfit, and coiffed his hair, and made sure to shave clean. He took a deep breath and looked at himself. This Kurt Hummel looked put together, and prepared, and successful, and he was going to get a job, even if it meant being honest, and uncomfortable. 

The first interview was at a local tailor shop in downtown Williamsburg, which was right up Kurt’s alley since he was a fashion design major and had been sewing since his dad got him his first machine in 7th grade. He was hoping for that job but just in case he also applied to work at a local theatre company needing someone to organize and run their ticket booth. He had never really wanted to return to the theatre scene, after saying goodbye to it a long time ago, when he found that his talents would never be appreciated but thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to work at one and appreciated the pay. 

He arrived at the tailor shop early and waited for the owner to meet him. The owner was an older man, who looked to be of Asian descent, he had arrived, and Kurt could tell he was pleasantly surprised at how well he was dressed. He sat down across from the owner in a small sitting area at the back of the shop and could tell that the owner had plenty of questions for him as he raised an eyebrow as he looked over Kurt’s resume and application. Kurt took a deep breath. 

“So, would you like to tell me about yourself?” Kurt was relieved that the first couple of questions were easy and simple, and he made sure to include the fact that he has experience in seamstress work and enjoys doing it. The owner seemed to be rather impressed but hesitant, and then asked, “Kurt, I’m happy you are passionate about this line of work. I would love to hire you, but you do have a couple of misdemeanor offenses on your record. Would you like to explain those charges to me?” Kurt was so nervous and hated to talk about his mistakes but did so hoping it would maybe go better than he was expecting. “Um, yeah. So last year, I made a handful of really bad choices and had gotten into the wrong crowd. As I’m sure you can see on my record, I have 4 class 1 misdemeanors, and 1 class 2 misdemeanor. I had a really rough time with drugs and alcohol, and during that time period essentially stopped caring. But with that being said, I did end up graduating high school, and I worked hard to clean myself up so I could attend classes at CBU. I want to get a degree and better myself, and I just hope that my record doesn’t ruin that chance.”  
The owner looked at Kurt thoughtfully and told Kurt he’d get back to him. Kurt thanked him for his time and left. As soon as he walked out of the tailors the theatre called him. “Hello?” “Hi Kurt, I’m just calling to inform you that we will actually like to cancel your interview today.” Kurt blinked, trying to not become instantly upset, “Can I ask why?” “Yeah, it's just that we reviewed your application and liked it initially but upon further research have decided that you will not be well suited for the position. I hope you have a good day” and just like that, the call was over. Kurt sat down on a nearby street bench and couldn’t help but rest is head in his hands. It was 11 am on a Wednesday and all Kurt wanted to do was drink himself to sleep. Yes, yes, yes, he had been stupid. He was a criminal, and a dumbass but that doesn’t have to define him and his entire future. Why the hell was even trying. He couldn’t help but be angry at himself, as he walked the hour or so back to campus. He got back to campus and went to lay down, not even bothering to go to his afternoon classes. He felt the reality of his bad decisions sweeping in and it reminded him of those moments, leading up to his first drink. 

It was the day after his father had been admitted to the hospital. His father was in a coma, and he was heartbroken. The Glee club was trying to comfort him, but he knew that the comfort wouldn’t really help, and he had no God to turn to, having given up on religion when his mother died. He was a mess, with nothing to believe in and no one by his side, and no one to depend on but himself. And he knew he was never going to be enough for himself or anyone else. 

The years of harassment and bullying were hitting their peak right around the time his father had had his heartache. Kurt hadn’t been able to tell anyone out of fear, but he had been sexual assaulted by David Karofsky, the bully football player that had been slamming him into lockers since his freshman year. Karofsky, about two weeks before his dad’s hospitalization, had dragged Kurt into the locker rooms between classes. Kurt figured that he was finally going to get beaten bad enough for someone to notice, and therefore decided to ask, just ask. “What the hell is your problem David? You know, I don’t mind putting up with your shit in front of your friends, because I know it’s what jocks ‘do’, but really? Dragging me into the boy’s locker room so you can beat me, alone, in the middle of the day?! Like what the hell?!” and suddenly, David rushed towards him, and took his face tightly and kissed him. The kiss was forceful, and Kurt had never felt so scared because he expected the shoving and the bruises, but he never expected to be kissed. 

David, as soon as he did it, started crying and turned away from Kurt. Kurt couldn’t help but start crying too and wanted to run, but he wasn’t sure that was the best idea right now. He sat on one of the metal benches and just listened to David sob, shaking sobs. Kurt was so angry and so scared, and so sad and he felt like throwing up. He knew David had kissed him, because this entire time he had been shoving Kurt into lockers, and dumping slushies on him, he was actually trying to hide his own sexuality. He was trying to hide the fact that he was gay, and Kurt guessed that his being out and proud had proven too much for David. Kurt was angry, but still couldn’t help but feel so sad for David, because no one should live with shame, and no one should feel that way. Little did Kurt know; he would later think back to that thought with his own shame in the months to come. 

David, once he had finally stopped crying, looked at Kurt, with a chilling gaze and said quietly and calmly “Kurt, I fucking swear to God, if you tell anyone about this, I’ll fucking kill you. I will.” And just like that David was gone, and Kurt was still sitting on the metal bench, and still crying, not even caring enough to wipe away the tears that were now drenching his shirt. 

After that, he had lived quiet and reserved, and he was less proud and did everything he could to avoid David. His father the night before his heartache had asked him if he was okay because he seemed so quiet lately, and Kurt had said that he was “fine”. Which wasn’t a lie, he was fine when his father asked him that question, but every night Kurt cried himself to sleep. When his father had his heartache, and he found himself sitting in his hospital room, alone, and overwhelmed by the fact that he had been violated, his life threatened, and now his dad may or may not be taken away from him too, he couldn’t handle it all. He left the hospital every night around 11 pm and returned at 9 am as soon as visiting hours were open. And in between the hours of 11 pm and 9 am, Kurt couldn’t sleep, he could barely eat, but he was able to drown out the anxiety, and stress, and sadness, and loss with a glass of gin. And by the time his father woke up from his coma, it had been too late, Kurt was already gone, and had never really returned since then.


	8. Homesick: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine’s mother every year on the first weekend of October would host a fall gathering. It was meant to be a kind of party where she could invite all their church friends, and his father’s firm partners over to celebrate the beginning of Fall at their gorgeous house that sat on 20 acres of land with plenty of oak trees. It was her version of a holiday party and it was always something his mother looked forward to every year. It was a socialite event, and he knew it was his mother’s way of showing off their family “success”, but Blaine hated it. He hated the small talk, and the microscope he would always be put under but knew that it was a sacrifice he had to make to please his parents and so he always went. 

He had been so distracted with ocean eyes, that he almost forgot about it. Thank goodness he had always been extra prepared and had three planners to remind him. He had taken off work and school that Friday, knowing he would need the time to pack, get a haircut, and catch his flight. He knew he had to be on his A-game this weekend, and therefore, since having seen Kurt had tried his best to keep himself as busy as possible. Wednesday, he finished every assignment he had due, including starting a midterm project that wasn’t due for another week. Thursday, he had a busy day, with meetings back to back and when he got back to his apartment at 10 pm, choose to go get in a workout at his apartment gym just to look and feel his best this weekend. He also could feel himself needing to release some tension and didn’t want to think of those blue eyes that kept haunting him. For Blaine, working out was his therapy when he needed it, and it helped him remain in shape. He never wanted to look like a slob. 

By the time Friday rolled around he was exhausted, but he pushed through. He took a caffeine pill, had some coffee, and moved on. By the time he was getting buckled into his seat on the plane, he was a new man. Slight stubble, a very clean haircut, and had packed outfits for the weekend that made him look much older. He wanted to impress his father and mother and their friends, and in a way prove that he was turning out to be a success. But he was also exhausted. And knew his exhaustion would only get worse. As he sat through his flight, he couldn’t help but think of a world in which he wasn’t constantly working to be successful. A world where he didn’t have to prove his worth. A world where he wasn’t always questioning whether or not he was enough. A world where he could just be. He then reprimanded himself for thinking so selfishly and reminded himself that “Confidence is silent.” 

Blaine landed in Ohio and was thankful he was able to nap on the plane so he would hopefully not look as exhausted as he felt. He got an Uber and an hour later arrived at his childhood home on the outskirts of Bellfontaine Ohio. It was a small town about an hour out from Columbus. Bellfontaine was the kind of town that only had one high school, one catholic parish where 75 percent of the town goes for church and it was the kind of place where everywhere you looked there was an American flag and a cross. It was the perfect Midwest American town and the majority of people who lived there worked in the Columbus area and therefore, the town had a large amount of wealth in comparison to the rest of Ohio. It was where his parents met and married, and after his father moved up to an executive-level in his law firm his parents had bought one of the most expensive homes there. It was Blaine’s worst nightmare. Blaine had a good childhood; it wasn’t until he started to notice he was different that life in a small town got difficult. It wasn’t until the incident occurred that it made it unbearable to live there. And it wasn’t until he was out of Ohio that he realized how much he hated going back there. 

It was around 6pm and as he walked into the house with his small rolling suitcase he looked around and couldn’t help but find a hint of comfort in the smell of baked apples, and vanilla which reminded him of the happiest parts of his childhood. He had come in through the middle of the house and was standing in the large hallway that connected the east wing and the west wing. The house was huge and was similar to the white house in the fact that the floor level wings connected through a hallway lined with French doors. During the summer his mother would open the doors and let the breeze carry through the house. He slipped off his coat and shoes and left them on his suitcase against the hallway wall. He started walking into the kitchen, located in the east wing of the house and soon found his mother in one of her frilly aprons, taking several Apple pies out of the oven. She was delighted to see him. 

“Oh Blaine, it’s so good to see you!” He knew it had to have been at least six months. And smiled back saying, “Oh it’s good to see you too mom. You know how busy I’ve been. But I’m excited for your party tomorrow.” He knew she really didn’t care to listen to him describe his life, and therefore she took the opportunity to talk all about her party tomorrow. By the time he knew it she had been talking for an hour, whilst moving about the kitchen in her frilly apron. 

Shae Grace Anderson was a short and thin Filipino woman. She had light-skinned with an olive undertone, big brown eyes, and long dark hair that had a natural wave to it. She had been adopted by a wealthy couple here in America, in part due to how gorgeous she was, and how light her skin color was for an Asian. She had never known anything different than the wealth and privilege afforded to her by her father and husband. She grew up in the catholic church and therefore felt as though she had a moral purpose to be kind and save those who have gone astray and therefore, she volunteered a lot in the community. She was the perfect housewife and a great mother. But she had always lacked the ability to voice her opinion when necessary. She was the result of a long line of men in charge and therefore, even when she disagreed with her husband, she always went along with his choices. 

Her husband’s choices weren’t in support of their son. And even though she disagreed she always followed behind her husband, and therefore, treats her son like her husband does. It pains her and Blaine knows it, and therefore he respects her distance from him and tries to be careful as to what they discuss and how he makes her feel. 

She had just finished putting another two pies in the oven when she looked over at Blaine sitting on a chair next to the counter. “Blaine honey, you don’t have to sit and listen to me talk your ear off. Would you like to go upstairs and get settled?” Blaine was thankful she was aware of herself and replied, “Mom, you are so kind. What room would you like to me to stay in?” His mom looked at him as though he were a crazy person. “Honey, there are plenty of rooms in this house, just choose one and get settled in. You are my only kid after all.” Blaine relieved at that answer then excused himself, grabbed his luggage, shoes, and jacket from the hall, and thanked his mother before going up the back steps that connected the kitchen and upstairs east wing of the house. He went up and selected his favorite room in the house. It was gaudy, but everything in the house was, so he was fine with it. What he liked most about this room was the fact that it was in the far east corner of the house. It had a big window seat that overlooked the trees and backyard and the sunrise always peaked in. It also had a rather large en-suit bathroom which was nice, and it was farthest away from his mother and father so he would have plenty of privacy. 

He changed into comfortable clothes and was a little hungry but too tired to eat anything. He just wanted to sleep and even though he was nervous and not looking forward to the party tomorrow he knew he would still sleep soundly. As he laid down to sleep, he couldn’t help but worry. Tomorrow he’d be under a microscope and although he had worked his butt off to be able to impress, he never enjoyed the judgment. He also always knew that in the back of people’s heads they were thinking about him like he was some sort of disease and it hurt more than he would ever admit. And as he fell asleep and tear slipped down his cheek.


	9. The Conversion: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: THERE IS A COMMENT THAT REFERENCES EATING DISORDERS IN THIS CHAPTER. The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

He was in the business building, sitting across from Kurt. Kurt was sitting there looking straight at him, with a sort of sparkle in his eyes. The sunlight from the sunset reflecting off of them and the colors mixing in with some of the blues. Blaine could feel heat flush on the back of his neck and his pants were suddenly tighter as Kurt, still looking at him, shifted his hand up to stroke Blaine’s cheek with his thumb. Blaine had never felt such a soft touch and reached up to touch Kurt’s hand…BEEP… BEEP…BEEP… BEEP… BEEP. 

Blaine sat up in a startle as his alarm went off. He reached over and shut it off. He laid back down with a frustrated sigh. He was so needy from that dream, and was at his parent's house, and had to be perfect for today and here he was, dreaming about the crush he wasn’t even supposed to have. He laid there hoping to calm his senses down, but no matter how hard he tried his semi-hardon was not leaving him. He got up and walked to the shower, turned it on and stripped out of his clothes. He got in and this time when he closed his eyes, he decided to just do it. Just imagine Kurt stroking his face with the soft pad of his thumb and then stroking his lips, and then leaning in closer to breathe on him, and before he knew it he was coming all over the shower glass and himself. He found himself sliding down to sit on the shower floor again. His legs always felt like jello after thinking of Kurt.   
He was surprised that this young freshman, who had probably just become old enough to vote, made him feel such pleasure. He got out after cleaning himself off and went to the bedroom to change into his pre-party outfit of the day. He changed into his clothes and then went over to the small dresser to put on his glasses and watch when he looked up and saw the cross his mother had of course placed in the room. It was the perfect reminder Blaine needed on what he was going to encounter today, and what he was trying to prove to his father and mother. That despite being destined for hell, he could still be successful. He took a deep breath and went downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. 

The day surprisingly went by quickly as he helped his mother prepare for the guests. She had plenty of maids in the house to help but Blaine knew she would much prefer for him to make sure everything was right, and he knew it would win him some brownie points, especially because he was never home. His father and him did a great job at avoiding each other all day and he wasn’t going to complain about it. The party was scheduled to start at 6, and by 5:30 everything was in place and ready to go. And just as he was about to go upstairs and get ready his mother came down looking gorgeous in a long gold satin evening gown that draped in all the right places and flowed behind her as she walked. He took a moment to compliment how beautiful she looked and then headed upstairs, thanking the universe for giving him her eyes, and complexion. 

Blaine had thought a lot about what he would wear. He didn’t want to appear too modern but still wanted to show off his new look from Dalton Boy, to Businessman. He went with a dark burgundy suit with a simple black undershirt. The suit was slim and fit him in all the right places, and the burgundy was dark enough to be viewed as masculine and in with the season. He then put on a black watch with hints of gold and placed his gold aviator ray-bans on. He had slight stubble and a haircut that was extremely clean-cut but still left a quarter-inch of curls on the top of his head so he could coif them just right. He paired the suit with patent leather slim fitted dress shoes. 

He looked good, and he was sure to swoon his mother and her fellow housewives with his grown-up and sophisticated look. But he wasn’t any less nervous. He knows what those socialite Christians think of him, and yet he still comes trying to impress. He took a deep breath, and said it to himself out loud, “Courage. Confidence is silent.”

It was 6 pm and he stood in the entryway with his mother and father, greeting their guest as they came in. Looking at the role of the perfect son and enjoying as the women remarked on how grown up he looks. By 7 pm they were all seated at the three long tables that his mother had decorated perfectly for fall, with orange, yellow, and cream accents under a beautiful event tent with lanterns and fairy lights draped. She had seated his father at the head of the middle table, herself to the right of him and Blaine to the left of him. It was the closest he’d been to his father since Christmas and he couldn’t help but be particularly annoyed with it. But he knew her intentions. She asked the priest from the church to pray over their meal, and Blaine bowed his head in order to blend in with the crowd. He’d hoped to have done enough small talk with everyone before being seated that he would be able to go under the radar but as the priest started to pray Blaine soon realized that he had hoped too highly. 

“Lord we pray to you today to give you thanks for this gathering here at the Andersons home. We are so blessed that you have so graciously blessed them with the wine and bread to share with others. Father, we know you have the ability to purify and sanctify the sinner, and we understand that in redemption we can be saved. Help the sinner in this room come to redemption, for perversion is of Satan, and pray lord that the Andersons be blessed with a new child that is purified, and beautiful in the eyes of the lord. God bless this food and all whom consume it in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit Amen.”

As Blaine heard the prayer, he couldn’t help but feel sick to his stomach. He wasn’t angry just sad and embarrassed for his parents. He was trying his best. He was successful, hadn’t had a single relationship through college, and wasn’t planning on having one. He just wanted his father and mother to look at him once, just once, and say they were proud of him. That’s all he wanted and that’s the only reason he showed up to this stupid party. He knew the judgment would happen, he knew the comments would occur, but he didn’t realize that the conversion camp would still confront him tonight as a 23-year-old. He had forgotten this world. 

He lifted his head to see many people looking straight at him or to see people trying to avoid him. His mother couldn’t bear to look at him, and he could see the wetness at the corner of her eye, a tear threatening to fall. His father promptly stood up with his wine glass in his hand, “Thank you father for that beautiful prayer. We truly appreciate your concern and pray for the same thing every day. We would like to thank you all for coming to our home tonight. My beautiful wife always does a wonderful job at putting this evening together and we are so glad to call every single one of you a dear friend. Let us toast, to the fall harvest and to this wonderful weather”. Everyone, including Blaine, lifted their glass to toast. Blaine figured the best course of action would be to act thankful for the prayer and remain composed, just like all those years of Dalton taught him. 

The evening went on, and at around 8:30 PM the mingling had returned, and the line dancing had started. Blaine by this point had enjoyed 3 glasses of wine and wasn’t going to go any farther than that until everyone left. The housewives were approaching him one by one commenting on their own prayers for him since the priest made it a free conversion camp. Each woman with their unloving, “good” intentions. 

“Blaine, I pray you find the right girl.”   
“Blaine dear, you look so handsome, I’m sure God will work in you”.   
“Blaine, I hope you come to the good lord. You know my nephew no longer has those kinds of thoughts”. Blaine would smile and nod and thank them, and when he got a moment to breathe, he would think of those ocean eyes, and bright cheekbones, and how soft his hair must be. 

By 11 PM all the guests had left, and Blaine promptly excused himself after congratulating his mother for what a great success her party had been. (He knew he was lying to her; she hadn’t been able to look at him all night.) He grabbed a wine bottle and went up to his room. He locked the door behind him, and started to drink, and drink, and drink. Once the bottle was finished, he laid down on the floor in his underwear with only the dim lighting of a small lamp and enjoyed the numbness. The moment in which he could escape the intensity of feeling broken, unwanted, and dirty with the newfound knowledge that whatever he did, may it be perfect grades, perfect resume, perfect suit, perfect hair, it would never be enough. 

He almost fell asleep but got up off the floor to purge all the alcohol so the extra sugar wouldn’t ruin his waistline and then crawled into bed.


	10. The Loss: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine woke to his 6 am alarm, and even though he had a headache, and felt sick to his stomach, he got up. He was ready to get the hell out of Ohio and back to CBU, where he would know he wouldn’t have to face the brainwashing that was conversion therapy and people thinking he was diseased. He had scheduled his flight for 11am with meant he’d have to be in a car and out of Bellfontaine by 8 am. He didn’t even care to shower, and just threw on some black skinny jeans, and a black thick turtleneck sweater and his white sneakers. The outfit was simple and comfortable which is what he wanted because he felt like shit. 

He headed downstairs to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and some Tylenol and sat down at the breakfast table to take it, feeling slightly dizzy. He knew he would have to fast for today and thought of how disgusting yesterday was. His mother came into the kitchen and started to make coffee, not even caring to say good morning to him. He then saw his father come in and saw as they both fixed their coffee. They then sat down with him, which he knew would only mean one thing, “A Talk”. 

“A Talk” in his house usually meant trying to convert him and persuade him into going to another conversion camp or therapy. It was also his father’s opportunity to discuss his “shortcomings” and what a disappointment he was to the family. Blaine had hoped that all his focus on school and work would’ve finally paid off to at least avoid one of these “talks” but after the situation from last night, he knew it would be coming, and was hoping to get the hell out of there before they could have the chance. His father was now sitting directly across from him and looking at him as though he just couldn’t understand what he was. 

William Nico Anderson is an Italian American who was born in Chicago and raised in the Catholic church. When he was 8 years old his family moved to Bellfontaine so his father could work on creating gold crosses and rosaries for the catholic parishes in Ohio. Williams's father soon amassed a large amount of wealth which he inherited. He had been taught from the youngest of ages that men were the superior sex, and were meant to be masculine, tough, and dominant. Upon getting married to his wife, he had the expectation that he would have at least 5 children in order to keep the family line strong and fulfill the catholic tradition of larger families. But after 10 years, his wife had only been able to have Blaine. She had miscarriage after miscarriage and after her last one, she had lost too much blood to continue trying. Blaine ended up being his only child, and he soon noticed that God had given him a child that was different. 

Blaine was never masculine. He was a sensitive, and emotional young child, and never wanted to play in the dirt or go hunting. He was so different, and it frustrated him. He needed to have a son that would meet expectations, and Blaine never met them. In middle school when the incident occurred, he had gone through a period of time where he just couldn’t fathom why god had given him a faggot for a son. He couldn’t live with it and soon decided to ship Blaine off to conversion camps over the summer, and Dalton during the school year. He wouldn’t have to come face to face with his own disgrace and nightmare. 

He would often give Blaine these talks with the hopes of encouraging him as an adult to make the right choices. He held onto Blaine by paying his college tuition and his living expenses with the hopes that Blaine would redeem his sins and pay off his debts after what he had put him and his wife through. But after last night, he realized that although Blaine seemed to take the prayers in stride, he knows deep down that Blaine has not changed. William had hoped that Blaine would have found a nice girl in college but instead, he supposedly spent the entire time “single”. He also knew that Blaine was doing everything right, but it wasn’t to change his ways but instead to hide his sins. William was done with it. He was done with his son and felt that it was time to cut him off, give a lump sum, and tell him to get the hell out and stay the hell away from him and his wife. Blaine was no son of his. 

“Blaine, I’m going to say this once and only once, so I hope you are listening. Your mother and I have decided that we no longer want you. God has blessed us with a beautiful home, and wonderful friends. And we have come to the realization that you are the embodiment of what Satan can do when you choose not to repent. You son are ill, and diseased and refuse to help yourself. And because you have made that choice, we have made the choice to ask you to leave here and never come back. We will be giving you the money in your trust fund, and that will be the last of the money you will receive from us. We are taking you off of all assets. We don’t want to see or hear from you again.”

Blaine was shaking. In part, because he couldn’t believe what he was hearing and in part because he felt sick. Blaine knew though that he couldn’t fall apart here, and not right now. So instead he took the high road and would attempt to remain composed, just like he always had. 

“I respect your choices. I would like to thank you both for allowing me to receive that money. And mother, I will miss you. Father, I would like to take the opportunity while we are saying our goodbyes to tell you that I was never diseased. I’m not sick. I’m not ill. I am just me. And the fact that you have chosen to attempt to change me over the years has only made me into a person who has the will to not fail. You, William, are sad. You know what? Fuck you!” 

Blaine was honestly shocked as he was giving his little goodbye speech and thought, he should just keep going. Why not? Fuck remaining composed. It’s not like he was going to see them again. “Yeah William Nico Anderson, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! And you! [pointing to his mother] YOU need to stop! Just fucking stop being the perfect housewife. Not once. Not once did you ever stand up for yourself! Not once did you stand up for me!! And that’s fucking sad because I know deep down, that no matter how fucked up or fucking disgusting or fucking diseased I might be, you fucking love me. And it is a fucking shame that you’ll never see me again. Goodbye, and may you both fucking rest in peace.”

Blaine got up from the table, slightly out of breath, and grabbed his luggage from the corner of the kitchen, and left. His car wasn’t going to be there for another 30 mins, but he didn’t care, he was fucking walking out. He was leaving and not going to cry about it. Blaine Devon Anderson, the boy who had spent his entire college career trying to impress and be perfect, was always the disease that needed to be eradicated. He was done trying to impress


	11. Cancelled: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this is truly a slow-burner. Trust me though, we are only a couple of chapters away from some relationship stuff. And I'm sorry if anyone finds my trigger warning at the beginning of every chapter annoying. I want to be as respectful as possible and just like to remind people of what they are getting into. THANK YOU IF YOU'VE MADE IT THIS FAR!!! 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

“DAD!! Are you okay?! What’s wrong!?” Kurt yelled into the phone, hands shaking, “Kurt, son, I’m fine. What in the world are you yelling for? I’m fine.” His dad was speaking in the most soothing voice he could muster, and Kurt couldn’t help but feel exhausted from the panic attack he just had. “Oh my god! I’m sorry dad. You had called me while I was in class, and I thought the worst. I’m sorry.” Kurt could tell by the sigh on the other end of the phone that his father was shaking his head, “son, you have got to stop doing that. I’m going to be fine. I’m in better health than I’ve ever been. You need to stop worrying so much about me. I was just calling because I haven’t heard from you all week, and I wanted to make sure you hadn’t forgotten about your ol’man.” Kurt apologized and talked to his dad for forty minutes, mainly about his classes, and tried to reassure his father that he was doing great, despite his panic attack. 

Even though Kurt knew he truly wasn’t doing “great”. It was now Monday, and he had not heard back from the owner of the tailor shop he had interviewed with. He was starting to assume that the assault charge and the petty theft charge on his record was proving to be too burdensome for the shop owner. And at this point he was starting to become a mess, with midterms only a week or two away, and his midsemester housing payment fast approaching, he needed to find work. He didn’t want his father to know how much he was struggling both in finding work and mentally. Kurt had become accustomed to self-deprecation, and now that finding a job was becoming difficult because of his past, he was falling even deeper into the fact that he was truly worthless. But he kept going to classes and held out an ounce of hope that he’d find work, and he looked forward to seeing Blaine. 

As the day went, Kurt got gradually more stressed, but also got gradually more excited to see Blaine tomorrow. He was excited because even though he doesn’t stand a chance at dating Blaine, or maybe even touching Blaine, Blaine always looked at him like he was worth something. Blaine looked into his soul, not his eyes. And it made him feel that little once of freedom from the self-deprecating thoughts he was perpetually haunting himself with. The excitement was quickly shattered when he received the email, and he instantly got worried. The email was from the department head of peer tutoring, stating that Blaine would be canceling his appointments for the week. Kurt ran back to his dorm, where Xander was sitting studying. “Xander, what the hell is this?” holding to his phone with the email on it, Xander looked over it and was instantly confused. “Kurt, I have no clue, especially because from everything everyone’s said, he would usually never do this. I guess we’ll just have to see” 

Kurt was disappointed to say the least. He was hoping to have Blaine look at him like he matters, and is desired, but he just decided to instead throw himself into finding a job. And got on his computer and started looking. He had to get over Blaine anyways, because everything good in his life has ended, and everything bad in his life as continued. He never could quiet escape his past, even if he moved states, and became a new person, and he had to live with that reality, so if that meant getting a shitty job, or two to pay the bills then he would do it.


	12. Theo: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

A car to a plane to another car. His apartment building to the elevator to his front door to his bed. As soon as he got into that car and headed to the Columbus airport he chose to shut down. He wasn’t going to cry in front of strangers. He wasn’t going to be rude just because of his bad day. He was just going to survive. But as soon as he got to his bedroom, he ran to the bathroom to dry heave. As he laid on the cold bathroom tiled floor, he let himself fall apart. He started to cry, and cry and cry and it didn’t stop. He had endured years of torture all because of a moment in middle school. And he was finally going to cry.   
******************************************

Blane was in the 6th grade when he realized that he was different from the other boys. Unlike his guy friends who would feel warm and fuzzy for girls, he felt warm and fuzzy for boys. Blaine didn’t know what being gay was, but he did know that there was something wrong with him and that he wasn’t supposed to feel the way he did. Everything in school, at home, at church was talked about as a boy and a girl, not a girl and a girl, and certainly, not a boy and a boy. He knew there was something wrong with him. But he kept it to himself. 

Then in the 7th grade, he became best friends with Theo. Theo was the kind of person who was always laughing in a way that lit up the entire room. He was super creative and would draw for the fun of it. He had green and brown eyes and curly hair like Blaine’s. May it be joking around about who could get the teacher to reprimand whom first or how long they could hold their breaths underwater, they had fun together. Their parents would let them hang out often because they went to church together and their mothers were friends. Blaine and Theo were two peas in a pod. 

One afternoon, they were outside in Blaine’s backyard in one of their secret hiding spots. It was a tree fort where they’d go to escape from their parents and Theos brothers and sisters who were often around. They were there talking on a warm March day. Theo had mentioned to Blaine that he had a crush, and so Blaine asked Theo who his crush was on. Theo looked nervously at Blaine, and said, “Blaine I can’t tell you.” Blaine being Theos best friend poked and prodded him. 

“What do you mean you can’t tell me? I’m your best friend Theo! Come on, who is it? Is it Beth? She’s always looking at you in church. Or is it grace? Since she’s good friends with your older sister. Who is it? You can tell me.” 

Theo looked at Blaine, and sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to get away with not telling Blaine who it was. He looked at Blaine and then looked off into the distance, not wanting to see his face. He replied just loud enough for Blaine to hear him. “Blaine my crush is on you.” 

Blaine felt a small lump in his throat and a tiny flutter in his stomach. A part of Blaine felt sick, and another part of Blaine felt overwhelmed with adoration for Theo. Blaine swallowed the lump and took one of Theo's hands into his own, and said to him, “I promise I won’t tell anyone. And… I like you too.” Theo looked at Blaine, his eyes were wide, and he finally let go of the breath he did not realize he was holding. “Blaine, thank you.” Blaine smiled at him and they sat there, holding hands, and just being. Before they went back up to Blaine’s house, they promised to keep it a secret between the two of them, and that was that. 

Theo and Blaine did as they promised to each other. They kept it a secret. It was simple, just holding each other’s hands when they were in private. And on occasion Blaine would ask Theo nervously if what they were doing was wrong, or if they’d go to hell, or get sent away. Theo always told Blaine a simple answer, courage. 

A month or so had passed since they had made their pact, and because they were teenage boys, things started to change. They would hold hands, and then play with each other’s hair, or caress one another’s arm, and then lay a hand on each other’s knee, and on one April night, they kissed. It was a peck at first, but it soon turned into a passionate kiss. They had agreed to be careful and they were. Until the last week of the school year came upon them. 

They had just gotten out of school on a warm June day and were walking to the church. They were now considered senior altar boys and therefore led the training for the younger boys during the week. They got to church and went into the vestry, a small room that was located in the back-right corner of the church where they kept the traditional gowns worn by the altar boys, and priests. 

Theo and Blaine had changed a lot since they made their pact, and now they were more comfortable with each other. Whenever they were alone together, they were just happy to be together, and much of their consciousness was lost to their hands being intertwined and the twinkle in their eyes when they looked at one another. They had arrived at the church 30 mins early in order to have an extra couple of minutes alone together. No one ever came into the vestry on a day that wasn’t a Saturday or Sunday. The priests usually didn’t garb in the vestry, and the boys knew it was their best hiding spot. Theo took Blaine’s hand and dragged him to the corner of the room that had the best blind spot from the door and rolled a garb rack in front of them just in case. 

Blaine had one hand intertwined with Theos and one hand on the back of Theos neck as they began to kiss. Theo couldn’t help but make a quiet moan as Blaine’s tongue brushed against his lips. Theo proceeded to open his mouth and let Blaine’s tongue work its way in. They began kissing with more passion, and their breathing soon became heavy, and wet. Blaine moved both of his hands to Theo’s hips bringing them closer to him. Blaine’s breathing hitched as he felt Theo against his thigh for the first time. Theo could feel Blaine and they slotted their legs together so they could be even closer. They were both flushed with heat and running hands all over each other. The heat and passion and intensity of it all absorbed them, and it wasn’t until they heard someone, loud, angry, and sternly say “boys!” that they were taken out of their trance. 

Theo saw him first and quickly got as far away from Blaine as possible. The assistant priest had been standing there, watching them for a minute before he said anything, in part because he couldn’t believe what he was seeing and because he had hoped the boys would’ve noticed him before he would have to say anything, but they were so caught up in the sin that they hadn’t noticed. He sternly said, “Meet me in Priests Jacobs office in five minutes” and slammed the door behind him. Theo by this point was in the opposite corner crying, and out of breath. Blaine was standing there, still breathing heavy, and in shock. He couldn’t seem to understand what just happened. He was after all a kid and forgot that getting caught was even an option. 

******************************************  
What happened after that would be a life that consisted of conversion camps, beatings, hospital visits, and being constantly shipped off. Blaine had survived it all and had gone to college with the hopes of being able to prove himself to his parents but years later here he was lying on a cold tile floor without a purpose, and without a reason, because after all these years his only reason was to prove himself to them. To prove to them and everyone else that despite his ‘disease’, he was successful. That was his reason. And now it was gone. And Theo was gone. And he was lost.


	13. Coming Up For Air: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

In the following week since his mother and father disowned him, he had canceled everything he could. He told his tutoring supervisor that he was feeling overwhelmed and needed the week to regroup, and because she had never witnessed Blaine in sweatpants, on school grounds, she said yes. She and all his other supervisors, professors, and classmates were worried about him. Blaine Anderson, the person who was always put together, never missed a class and was essentially perfect, was a mess. He had missed most of his classes, and the classes he did show up to he dazed through. He hadn’t even showered. He was hurting, and after he let the flood gates open, they didn’t stop. He hadn’t been able to hold food down because it would come up in the midst of one of his many emotional episodes. He couldn’t sleep because the trauma had been brought back to the surface after the year’s he spent avoiding it. He was now allowing himself to feel and be angry and be sensitive and process through all the shit.   
*****************************************  
Sunday, one week since that day, he woke up on the bathroom floor, not remembering how he got there. And for the first time in a week, felt the strength to get into the shower. He showered, and after showering got dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He, for the first time in a week, made himself a piece of toast and some coffee with a dash of cinnamon in it just how he liked it. He sat down at the chair he kept by the large window in his living room and looked outside at the changing leaves. Virginia had always been beautiful during the fall season, and it seemed to look even prettier today. Blaine sipped his coffee and for the first time in a week didn’t feel like throwing up. He took a deep breath, and realized it was time. It was time to put himself back together. Blaine decided that this week, the week of his senior homecoming at CBU would be the first week where he lived life for himself. He would go to a karaoke bar, and got to parties, and meet actual friends and for once he would live life to have fun. 

He was without a purpose and now angry at the fact that he had chosen to study business, and had lost his hobby’s and passions, and he truly had no clue who he had become. But he was going to try this week to live and not grieve. He knew there was more to life and that he needed to do what he wanted. He was no longer living to impress, and he was excited because for the first time in his life he could just be himself all the time not just in the moments he was alone. 

It was Tuesday, and he had sent out several emails the day before to apologize for his absence. He had told his tutees, coworkers, supervisors, and professors that he had lost someone close to him and needed the last week to grieve but that he was excited for homecoming and that the rest of the semester he would achieve according to their expectations. Everyone at CBU was relieved, because Blaine was the kind of student who rarely missed class or had a bad day, and therefore, it was good to hear he was feeling better and back on his feet. He was getting dressed and he was dressing in what he wanted to wear and in what he would feel good in. He picked a pair of black jeans and a thin black turtleneck long sleeve with a red cardigan and red leather belt. He then added a pair of black converse sneakers. It was a fun look, and even though he still hadn’t really slept and felt weak from not eating he felt it made him look young and fresh. He was excited for today, especially because he would be tutoring the one and only Kurt Hummel. He hadn’t forgotten about those Ocean eyes during his week of grieving and now that he was living life for him the possibilities were endless.   
*****************************************  
7 pm came around and Blaine greeted Kurt as he sat down across from him. He of course apologized for his absence last week and then asked Kurt what he needed help with. With midterms being right around the corner, Kurt didn’t waste any time getting into aggregate annual budget analyses. The end of the session came, and Blaine thought to himself, “courage.” And then went for it. 

“Okay Kurt, this was a great session. Thanks again for being understanding about last week.” Kurt looked at him nervously and said, “Well Blaine, I guess I should be honest. You were kind of the talk of campus last week. Everyone was really concerned about you, saying how you are one of the brightest students here. So, I’m happy you are back and well.”   
Blaine was overwhelmed and said, “Thank you, Kurt. And since we are being honest can I ask you a question, not as your tutor, but as an acquaintance?” Kurt looking surprised and said, “Sure. What’s up?” Blaine could feel his hands get sweaty.

“Would you like to be my date to a homecoming party on Friday? I know we really don’t know each other, and I am your tutor, but I couldn’t think of anyone to bring, and I really don’t do parties and was wondering if you’d want to. We could just go as friends or whatever and I’m sorry if me asking you makes you feel uncomfortable, saying how you’ve really only interacted with me as your tutor and I’m going to stop rambling.” He was out of breath and nervous and as he asked, he could see Kurt’s face get increasingly redder and his eyes lower. He waited. 

Kurt took a couple of seconds to compose himself, and then looked up at Blaine. “Blaine, that’s really nice of you, and honestly, I’m not really a party-goer myself, but you are really sweet and so, sure I’ll go with you. Why not? Plus, it’ll be nice to have someone to spend my first homecoming with.” Blaine wanted to jump up and down. He sat up a little straighter, and said, “Okay, perfect. You sure you feel comfortable? I really don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I will of course still tutor you no matter what, I’m not that kind of person. I just want to be sure…” Kurt promptly cut him off by saying in a confident voice, “Blaine, I’m fine with it. It’ll be fun, and it’ll be cool to see you out having fun and not tutoring me. You are fine. Here, let's exchange numbers” They exchanged phones and created their contact. 

Blaine said bye to Kurt and watched him walk out of the building. As soon as Kurt was gone Blaine got up from the table and couldn’t help but do a mini happy dance. Fuck it! He was actually going to pursue a crush! He was tired of living like he was a ‘disease’. He was living now as himself. And Blaine Anderson just got a date to a party on Friday night with the prettiest boy on campus.


	14. A Dream: POV Kurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. Kurt is so thirsty. Just read it. And if you are a Glee OG, then you will also enjoy this chapter. A character mention from Season 1 of Glee ONLY. Have fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU IF YOU ARE STILL READING! 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt got the call on Saturday morning and doesn’t even know how he got the job with his record but wasn’t going to complain. The job was a bartending gig at a really shady club about 30 minutes away from campus, in the neighboring city of Hampton, which wasn’t necessarily the best job for his recovery, but he needed the money, and trusted himself to stay sober. He couldn’t afford not to be, plus the gig was every Saturday, Wednesday, and Thursday night, which worked well for him, and wouldn’t require him to be there every night. Kurt showed that night dressed in all black, and ready to get more tips than the rest of the tending staff with his wit and his way to charm any guy who walked in. Kurt had learned in the past year how to be the life of the party, and most of all are seductive. Most people never thought a virgin looking high pitched gay guy could be ‘seductive’ but Kurt was incredibly smart and knew how to get what he wanted when he wanted it. It was actually what had led him down a path of criminality. 

The day his father woke up, Kurt was sitting next to him, holding his hand, after the night before where he had drunk 4 shots of gin, thrown up, and woke up still buzzed. Although Kurt was new to drinking, he had figured out a way in which he could do it to at least take the edge off the pain and get through the day without anyone thinking twice. It was working for him, and he knew it and loved it. The only problem he’d have is getting the alcohol. He was still 17 and hadn’t gotten far in gaining a fake ID that would work well enough to get him through a grocery or ABC store. So, he knew he’d have to find a solution, and that’s when he turned to a former McKinley high teacher, Sandy Ryerson. Sandy was known in Lima to be to the hook up for weed, and therefore Kurt hoped he would serve as his hookup for alcohol. When of course he met up with Sandy, he was shocked, “Well aren’t you just turning into a naughty pansy Hummel. I thought you were one of those good kids.” Kurt really wasn’t in the mood for Sandy and his gross comments, he just wanted his problem solved. “Listen, I just want four bottles of vodka and four bottles of gin, can you buy me that?” “Well then, aren’t you needy, that’ll be 60 dollars”. Sandy was looking at Kurt like he had just become a different person, and Kurt couldn’t help but enjoy it a little, “Sure, I’ll even give you a tip. When will you have it?” And just like that, Kurt had a dealer, to buy him all the alcohol he wanted. But after that first hook up and seeing how this old-perverted guy had looked at him like he was someone different and new, Kurt couldn’t help but enjoy it. 

Alcohol numbed Kurt, making him feel no fear, no anxiety, no stress, no pain, and on top of it all it had begun to make him want. His teenage sexual needs had always been suppressed by the fear of being beaten alive for being gay, but when he was drunk, he didn’t feel that. And therefore, he began to go to “Mercedes house for sleepovers” more often, which was, in reality, him going to Sandals, the gay bar in the town next to Lima, and finding random guys to dance on, get off with, and more. He had figured out how to always get a free drink, or how to steal money for his habit, by seducing anyone he danced with or spoke with, and now that he was sober, he was trying not to do that. He no longer wanted to be that person, but here he was working a bar, and trying to pay the bills. As he worked, he began to treat every customer as though they were Blaine, because ever since Blaine had accidentally touched Kurt, he couldn’t help but constantly think of him. His eyes, his stubble, his smell of rosemary and musk intoxicating and causing his body to stay warm in the moments he needed it most. He got through the shift, with Blaine in his head. And hoped to see him on Tuesday.   
********************************************

“Kurt, fuck me please. Please just fuck me.” Kurt was standing at the edge of a bed looking down at Blaine as he laid out completely clothed begging for Kurt to fuck him. Kurt leaned over the bed, and took his index finger, and slowly moved it to the top of Blaine’s forehead and dragged it as slowly as possible down his face and along his neck, and stopped just short of his collar bone. As he did it, he watched as Blaine’s cock further hardens in his tight dark wash denim and listens to the loud moan, he causes at the lightest of touches. “Fuucckkkk, hhmmmmm, pleeeasse please please Kurt.” Kurt then put one hand in Blaine’s hair, pulling and tugging at his curls, as he took the palm of his other hand, and began palming Blaine’s now leaking cock through his Jeans. “fuck, fuck, fuck” Blaine was becoming undone, and Kurt was so fucking hot and turned on by it all, feeling the power he had over Blaine rush him. He bent down getting his mouth as close as possible to Blaine’s ear, and said, “Say you’re a slut”. Blaine’s breath hitched, and he said it, in the most incoherently, hot way, “fuck Kurt, I’m a fucking slut for you”.   
*********************************************

“Kurt! KURT!” Xander was now shaking Kurt awake because he knows that if Kurt doesn’t wake now, he won’t make it to his first class of the morning. Kurt’s finally coming out of his dreamland, and sees Xander standing next to him, and knows that Xander would never wake him up unless he was running extremely late, he sits straight up in bed and as the sheets fall off his lap Xander quickly turns around and starts walking out the room with his bag, before Kurt even has the time to realize why. He begins to get out of bed and quickly realizes why Xander left so quickly, his raging boner, is not only an unavoidable sight, but he can even see the remints of it leaking, and then his dream quickly rushes back to him. He quickly runs to the shower, and strips out of his boxer briefs, and is touching himself before the water is even hot. He faces the tiled wall, one arm outstretched supporting him, as he pumps his cock, thinking over and over again about Blaine begging, and what it would be like to just fuck him till he was raw. All of the sudden, Kurt’s entire body begins shaking as he cums and cums and cums. His arm effectively gives out to the numbness, causing his body to slam into the tile. And he doesn’t even realize the pain because he is so high off of Blaine, and it’s the closest he’s felt too numb since his last drink, and he loves every second of it.

As he got out of the shower, it dawned on him, that he doesn’t know what he’ll do later, when he has to see Blaine, because it’s Tuesday.


	15. Heart Tilt: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt was in a daze all day, and even after his last class ended, he just felt like he was not fully awake. It was overwhelming to know that he was now dreaming about Blaine, because it’s one thing to think about him willingly, throughout the day, but it’s another thing completely to dream about him, involuntarily, especially wet dream about him. He walked to his car after class and sat there listening to Adele and feeling melancholy and conflicted. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t pursue guys and date, and get tangled in emotional connections because he couldn’t truly trust anyone but himself, he learned that the hard way with his ex. 

Liam was the kind of guy that just knew how to charm his way into or out of anything. Kurt met him at a club in Columbus when he drove up the weekend before thanksgiving. Kurt had been drinking for about a month, and every weekend got gradually crazier, and braver, and he began to care less and less about who’d find out, or what his consequences would be. Liam caught his eye right away because he just seemed to have this aura about him. 

Kurt got his first drink of the night, and as soon as he was nursing it, he couldn’t help but look over at Liam. He was tall and had the most chiseled and slim face, he had a nose ring, and platinum blonde permed hair, and everything about Liam screamed hot model. When he talked, it was with purpose and intention, and he just seemed to be the ultimate party guy, but when he needed to he could also get shit done. Liam saw Kurt looking, and walked straight over to him, and said, “You want another drink, Angel?” He had nicknamed Kurt Angel, and it stuck, from the very beginning. Kurt was no longer Kurt from Lima, from that point on he was Angel; Liam’s Angel. “Yes, I would love another drink.” “Angel, I will buy you all your drinks tonight if you let me dance with you.” Kurt was overwhelmed at how upfront he was but loved it at the same time. “Please, do dance with me.” Liam took his hand and they went to the dance floor. This club was small and crowded, so it was hot, and the DJ had just turned a new beat that was dark, and Kurt was grinding on Liam like he had never grinded on anyone before. Liam took Kurt hips, and turned him around to face him. Kurt could smell the sweat and alcohol mix together, and Liam instantly went in, kissing him so intensely and hotly that they made out, right there on the dance floor. 

That night, in that club, Kurt for the first time felt fireworks with someone. That night, Liam took Kurt’s virginity, fucking him in a cheap motel room, and from that point forward everything was about Liam. Kurt would drive up to Columbus every other week, just to go and have drunk sex with Liam. They weren’t exclusive, and Kurt didn’t care, because he was too drunk to care. Liam, over Christmas break, ended up introducing him to Xanax, which soon became his vice when drinking became hard to hide, like at Friday night dinners with his father. Liam showed him how to get the drugs and alcohol legally and illegally and showed him where to go and what to sell to get money. Liam had not amounted to anything in life but could bullshit his way through it, conning people into think he was a wealthy bachelor. 

Kurt felt so connected to Liam, partly because of the drugs he provided Kurt, and partly because Kurt felt like he had no one, and Liam seemed to fill that void. On top of it all, Liam was the first person to enjoy his body, and worship him, and fill him in a way that just felt good. And it led him down a road of stupidity, and drugs, and crimes, and bullshit. It was the memory of Liam that averted him from Blaine. Blaine was too good for him, and Blaine was everything that Liam could never be. Blaine was perfect and did not deserve to be with someone like Kurt. But most of all, he couldn’t become emotionally attached to someone. He just couldn’t do that to himself again, and yet, here he was, mulling over all this information, and knowing his feelings and yet still aching with want. Just the want to be held, and be wanted, and feel desirable to someone. He had lost everyone as a consequence of making bad choices, and for once he just wanted someone. 

Kurt began walking to the business building for his tutoring session. And he felt the butterflies beginning to flutter in his stomach and could feel the ache of want in his spine. Yet he got there, sat across from Blaine, and stayed focus on what he needed help with. But at the end of the session, he let the butterflies lose, feeling Blaine look at him like he was watching the sunset. 

“Okay Kurt, this was a great session. Thanks again for being understanding about last week.” Kurt looked at him nervously and said, “Well Blaine, I guess I should be honest. You were kind of the talk of campus last week. Everyone was really concerned about you, saying how you are one of the brightest students here. So, I’m happy you are back and well.” Blaine looked at him with what Kurt could read as adoration and said, “Thank you Kurt. And since we are being honest can I ask you a question, not as your tutor, but as an acquaintance?” Kurt instantly felt a little on edge and confused but replied, “Sure. What’s up? 

Kurt couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed as Blaine proceeded to ask him out. He was and his leg was nervously bouncing and his heart was being tugged at. SHIT! Damn, it. I told myself I wouldn’t do this. I should just say no, but…damn it. He was indecisive but couldn’t help but see all the hope in Blaine’s face, and here he was, and that one touch was so electric, and…

Kurt in a daze began his reply, “I’m not really a party-goer myself, (god, I’m fucking stupid, and a liar) but you are really sweet and so, sure I’ll go with you. Why not? Plus, it’ll be nice to have someone to spend my first homecoming with.” Kurt felt so frustrated. He could tell that him saying yes made Blaine’s week, and it honestly made his too, but then again, he was being so stupid. He would be beating himself up over this situation all week. Blaine began rambling again about making sure Kurt was comfortable with everything, and of course, he was comfortable, saying, “Blaine, I’m fine with it. It’ll be fun, and it’ll be cool to see you out having fun and not tutoring me. You are fine. Here, lets exchange numbers”. He figured if they had each other's numbers he could maybe text him to back out or maybe he’d get lucky and Blaine would back out. And even though Blaine said that they could go as “friends” Kurt knew by the way that Blaine looked at him there was a small chance that they would be more than friends, and Kurt was so so not ready for that. He promised himself he wouldn’t do this again, and here he was, walking back to his dorm room, feeling a little defeated by his lack of control, having given in to the wanting and need and the feeling that made his heart tilt.


	16. Coming Out: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine hadn’t dated while in college. Wednesday morning, he was questioning himself on whether or not people already knew he was gay. Sure, there was the occasional girl who’d come up and give him her number, but he had always taken it because the gentleman in him never wanted to make a girl feel less than or rejected. But he never actually called any of the girls and had only gone to a handful of parties and always went alone. So, after analyzing everything over his morning coffee he realized that Friday night would be his coming out and immediately freaked out, and texted Kurt.

8:00 AM

 **Blaine:** Hey Kurt. So, I need to talk to you before Friday. And please don’t tell anyone about Friday yet because I want to talk to you about it first. It’s not you, it’s me. I know that sounds odd, but I have some explaining to do. Just meet me for coffee at Starbucks, and I’ll explain everything

**Kurt:** Blaine because you sound like you are freaking out, I’ll be there at 9. Does that work?

**Blaine:** Yes. And don’t stress. I’m just a little nervous.

Blaine had moved too fast. He had just come to the realization that he wanted to live his life for him but hadn’t thought of everything he had avoided during college. He hadn’t thought of the reasons he hadn’t dated. Of course, he didn’t date because he wanted to prove himself to his parents. But also, he knew a part of him wanted to blend in with the majority. He didn’t want to be a gay showboat; he didn’t want to ‘come out’ and for most of his college career he was fighting an inner battle between wrong and right. He had decided after all these years that he’s going to homecoming with a boy, without even considering the years of trauma, and stress, and inner conflict that he had experienced. And here he was, panicking, and probably scaring away the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen. He couldn’t help but shake his head at himself. He texted his internship supervisor and told him he would be an hour or two late and then went to get dressed. He then walked the 20minute walk to Starbucks because he knew he’d need to calm down before meeting Kurt.

Blaine always chooses to sit near a window and in a corner. So, he was sitting in the corner, and looking out the window with his medium drip coffee when Kurt came in. Kurt came straight to him and set his bag down.

“Hey, I’m going to grab my non-fat mocha latte, and then we’ll talk.” Blaine smiled at him despite being nervous because he couldn’t help himself and said, “Of course.”. 

Kurt got back with his mocha and looked at Blaine with a nervous expression. Blaine took a deep breath and started the speech he had planned on his walk there.

“So, sorry if I made you nervous. I promise you it’s not as serious as I probably made it sound but I need to apologize to you. I asked you out because I really like you and wanted to maybe become friends. But I wasn’t completely transparent with you Kurt and I think I should be. So, I’m…I’m… well I don’t think I’ve ever actually said it out loud. So…I’m gay. [He took another deep breath] And well I haven’t come out. I know I’ve been at CBU for years, but I come from a place where being gay isn’t exactly welcomed and therefore I have not come out or dated or anything like that. So when I asked you to be my date, I really didn’t think much of it because I just want to learn more about you and become friends, but this morning I realized that I would sort of becoming out here at CBU and well, I know you’re a freshman and your new and I wasn’t sure if you wanted all that attention. And if you don’t, I understand. We can just remain acquaintances and professional and it’s all good. But I thought you should make that choice, and I’m sorry.”

Kurt listened and as he listened Blaine saw his eyes become more and more understanding. Blaine loved Kurt’s eyes because they often allowed him to view a little bit of his soul. And this was a moment in which he appreciated that capability because it allowed Blaine to realize that this conversation may not end as bad as he anticipated. 

Kurt took a deep breath, and said, “Blaine you scared me for a second. I was honestly a little shocked when you asked me yesterday and was thinking it was too good to be true. So, this morning when you texted me a part of me felt like I knew the prank was coming but I was wrong. First of all, don’t apologize Blaine. Being gay is not a walk in the park, it’s an uphill fight for acceptance, and civil rights and so much more, so don’t apologize. Secondly, I knew that Blaine. I knew you were gay and weren’t out. Everyone here at CBU talks about you like you are the genius bachelor who never found the right girl, but I could tell Blaine. And I was okay with being your coming out. And I’m sorry I miss judged you, it’s just wild to think that you’ve never dated while at CBU, and out of all the guys you have to choose from you’d choose me.”

As Blaine listened, he was quickly overwhelmed with how understanding Kurt was and a little hurt at the fact Kurt felt that this entire date could’ve been a prank, because that means Kurt has experienced some of the same pain Blaine has. Blaine felt the need to engulf Kurt with warmth and looked at him with the sincerest of looks and said, “Kurt I don’t only want to become friends with you, but I want to maybe be more than friends. You have this way about you that makes me feel hope and happiness, and you are gorgeous. You have these ocean blue eyes that I just fall into, and I knew the first time I saw you in that dining hall that there was something incredibly special about you. And that’s why I asked you out. It’s not because I wanted to prank you, or anything like that, it’s just because I want to be around you. It’s because I have feelings for you.”

Blaine could tell Kurt was on the verge of tears and as he spoke, he saw Kurt’s cheeks redden and his hands tighten. A part of Blaine wanted to grab one of his hands but decided against it, wanting to be cautious and not rush things. Kurt looked at Blaine and smiled, “Blaine, I don’t even know what to say. I… I…” Kurt’s phone started going off and he looked down to turn it off when he realized the time, “Oh shit. Blaine, I’ll text you later tonight, thank you again! You are so sweet and I’m excited. I have to go. I can’t be late to this class again. I’ll see you later.” And just like that he was running out of the Starbucks and Blaine was overwhelmed. He had just set up his CBU coming out and told Kurt his feelings and he was overwhelmed with gratitude and proud of himself and nervous and was tired from feeling everything at once. But he knew one thing was true. He followed his mission, _courage. Confidence is silent._


	17. Relapse: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have finally arrived to relationship Klaine??? If you are still here, HEY! Thanks for reading this. Enjoy the steamy chapters coming up. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt grabbed his bag, and he couldn’t even tell you what he said, he just excused himself and started walking, as fast as he could. The tears where now streaming down his face, and he was shaking, and he wanted to throw up. Liam had fucked him up. Every guy he had slept with fucked him up. They had all taken a piece of Kurt that he’d never get back and they had fed his addiction and yet here he was, sitting across from his TUTOR who just confessed his crush on him. Here he was falling for someone again, just to have his heart stolen. Kurt walked to his car and got into it, and as soon as he was sitting in the back seat, he let himself go, he was sobbing, and drenching his blue pastel dress shirt he was wearing. He had panic attacks often, but this was a new level. He wasn’t expecting Blaine, he didn’t deserve Blaine, and he didn’t want to fall for Blaine. And yet it was all happening way too fast. He didn’t even know Blaine, nor trust Blaine, and he was falling for him anyways. He felt his brain kicking in the fear and the flashbacks to the rough times when Liam let Kurt sleep with a dealer. Or when he had been too high to realize he was being assaulted by a guy until he was two fingers deep. Why was he even doing this with Blaine? He couldn’t breathe and everything was closing in and it was in that moment when he chose to take it so he could stop drowning. 

He reached into the glove department, pulled out a tin of mints, and in the very bottom of the tin, under all the mints, were five Xanny’s. He took two, and leaned back, and could feel everything slow.  
*********************************************

That evening he went to work and couldn’t help but think about how good it felt when the chemicals kicked in and began to swirl in his bloodstream. He could function without feeling the fear and anxiety and he could also finally process that Blaine had admitted that he wanted Kurt. He loved to feel desired, and good, and because everything was numb, Kurt let go, and thought why not. Why the hell not? Blaine and I, we could work. 

“Hey baby” “What can I get you Jay?” Kurt had learned in a short amount of time that Jay was the most frequent regular the bar had. He was a guy in his late 20’s who was dark and who always had his super curly hair in a man bun and looked as though he could be a basketball player. Jay had taken a liking to Kurt since he started and Kurt didn’t mind the attention, because he tipped well. “Well, I would love a straight shot of whiskey, and a side of you.” “I thought you didn’t play for my team” Kurt loved to tease and flirt and now that he was back to the pills it was easy to do. The anxiety muted allowing him the space to do things without second-guessing every move. “Well, I’m not so sure what I play for, especially when I see an ass like yours.” Kurt could feel how he was practically prickling, foreplay and dirty talk had always been his favorite. As Kurt made the drink, he made sure to take his time, and couldn’t help but imagine what it’d be like to play with Blaine. For all Blaine knows, he probably thinks Kurt’s the innocent virgin freshman, but little does he know. Kurt set the drink down in front of jay, and got right in his face and said, “I don’t sleep with customers, but even if I did, I would never be the side. I’m always the main fucking dish” and walked away. Damn, was Kurt turned on and that entire night all he could think about was Blaine.   
*********************************************

Friday came so fast and Kurt was excited about his date with Blaine. He knows he’ll regret it all, but just couldn’t bring himself to cancel it. And when Blaine texted him about dinner, he suggested the Thai place, because why the hell not. He thought they could at least eat well while the moment lasted. Maybe he could enjoy his time with Blaine, and not think about the emotions. Maybe he could not get too entangled and too connected. He got ready early making sure to look like a mess because before his classes he would need to go to the campus doctor and try to get Xanax legally. He wasn’t going to be stupid and get it illegally again. But he needed it, it made him feel better, and less scared, and maybe he could just do the Xanax and avoid the alcohol. 

Kurt went to the campus clinic, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, looking slightly disgruntled, and nervous, and anxious, which wasn’t too far from the truth of how he was doing. He had become more anxious because he wasn’t sure if the doctor would prescribe them to him, and he had already gone two days with a half a milligram in his system and knew there was no going back. The detox nearly killed him but the stress, the anxiety, the panic, all of it was too much for him to handle, and in the moment, he could only think of taking the pill, not of the detox from the pill. He was called back and Dr. Johns, a short, balding, old man looked over him. He asked Kurt why he was there, and Kurt described in detail the panic attacks and the anxiety and the fact that he had taken Xanax during his junior year of high school, and that he hadn’t taken it in quite some time, but that college was overwhelming him. Which was part lie, and part truth. 

Kurt could tell that as he spoke, the doctor automatically believed him. He was an innocent-looking freshman with a high-pitched voice, and he knew to play it to his advantage. The doctor prescribed him .25mg when needed. But he told Kurt to never take more than two a day, and to follow up with him in two weeks. Kurt couldn’t help but be relived, thinking about how he was legally getting the drug, and not being utterly stupid, but enjoying the fact that he was going to feel slightly numb at least once a day and not so overwhelmed by the self-deprecating thoughts and all the thoughts that just seemed to drown him. 

He went back to his dorm and changed into a better outfit and went to classes. During his classes, he couldn’t concentrate. The thought of Blaine overwhelming him. The brown eyes, the curly hair, the olive/tan skin, the toned chest and arms, and his ass. UGH! His ass. But Blaine most of all was warm, so warm, like the sun. He was going to a party with this human that represented everything he was not and more. How had he gotten so lucky? And at the same time, the fear crept just below the surface, not in full force due to the drugs pumping through his system, but still there. The fear that this perfect human would steal a part of him, or hurt him, just like everyone else had done. He would never forget the day he went to the detox center and realized the pain under the surface, while still being high and numb. And yet he remembered all the warmth. 

It was a warm May day and he was being charged on four separate charges, that could easily land him with 20 years in prison. And he was still tripping, having taken a handful of Xanax that morning. Despite the drugs, and awful skin, he had still dressed in Kurt Hummel fashion, an all-black suit, with velvet shoulder pads, and a studded belt. He had walked to the courthouse because he didn’t want to have his last car ride with his father be right before his prison sentence. His father and the lawyer met him, and they went inside. His case was called. 

“Please introduce yourselves”, the judge was an older woman, with blonde and silver hair. Kurt couldn’t help but notice how plastic, and formal, and fake everything was. No warmth just fluoresces.   
“Your honor, Paul Davis on behalf of Kurt Hummel. Mr. Hummel is present. We are ready to proceed.” Kurt nodded towards the judge, hoping to at least show his respect, even though he really would rather not speak on his own behalf, saying how he is still drugged up. “Your honor, Anne Flecther on behalf of the state. We are ready to proceed.”

“Perfect. I am Judge Long, and I am hearing your charges as read: Class 1 misdemeanor Driving Under the Influence, Class 1 Misdemeanor for public intoxication, Class 2 misdemeanor for possession of a controlled substance, Class 1 misdemeanor for petty theft. These charges are being held against you. If you choose to plead guilty, you will be allowed to take the plea deal that has been offered to you by state prosecutor Fletcher. What is your plea?” Kurt looks up from his daydream to realize the judge is looking at him and his lawyer is looking at him exhausted, “Your honor, my client would like to take the plea deal offered by the state. This plea deal is sentencing to three months in court-ordered rehab, and 6 months of weekly probation. My client is also a first-time offender, and therefore the plea deal also includes dropping of the class 1 misdemeanor of public intoxication and lowering the class 2 possession charge to a class 1 possession charge. Overall, the client would like to attend University and hopes to be able to rehabilitate and move on. Therefore, he would like to plead guilty to Class 1 misdemeanor Driving Under the Influence, Class 1 misdemeanor for possession of a controlled substance, Class 1 misdemeanor for petty theft. And he agrees to do three months in court-ordered rehabilitation and 6 months of probation. 

The judge then reread Kurt his rights and made sure that he was made aware of the plea agreement, and reread the details for him, and before he knew it, he was hugging his dad goodbye. His father was crying, which he so rarely did, and Kurt doesn’t remember feeling an ounce of emotion. It was a blur for him, and he didn’t even seem to care. That day, he got into a van, and was driven to the countryside for detox. As the van was pulling out of the courthouse parking lot, he looked out the window to see Liam sitting on a nearby bench, and he couldn’t help but realize how ridiculous the entire thing was. Liam had ditched him when the cops showed up. Liam had enabled him and supported him, and then had done everything possible to throw him under the bus and strip him of three months of his life. And although he had been numb all day, for some reason, at that moment, it hit. The pain hit. It was just under the surface, and it took the wind out of him. He felt the pain and in that moment he couldn’t help but close his eyes, and feel the warmth of the May sun, and feel the van move and let the blur swirling by envelop him and try his best to enjoy the warmth and ignore the pain. 

“Hello? Mr. Hummel?” Kurt is taken out of his trance by his professor, “Yes. I’m so sorry I just spaced out. What was that?”


	18. The Buzz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! We have arrived to relationship Klaine?? Kinda??? But enjoy the steamy chapters to come. It's about to get really really hot. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

7 pm came so much quicker than Kurt expected it to. He had gotten back from classes, did some homework, and was now dressing in his most chill, yet fashionable outfit. He had decided to wear white skinny jeans and a blue long sleeve dress shirt with a white shimmery geometric print. He had paired it with a brown leather belt and brown leather lace-up boots. He had left the top buttons undone on his shirt, thus showing a little bit of his chest, and wore a very small gold chain on top. As Kurt looked at himself in the small mirror on his desk, he couldn’t help but be excited. Excited and nervous, and a little worried, and he decided to pop three pills in his pocket for later when he would need the inevitable relief. He began walking and couldn’t help but notice the beauty in the sunset, the blue sky, and the orange clouds and the pink lingering, it was all so gorgeous, just like Blaine. He got to the Thai restraint at 8 pm on the dot, stood outside, and took a deep breath. Thinking to himself to have fun, but not get too attached, and not get too involved. _Kurt, do not get involved. Have fun. But don’t be stupid._ The anxiety washing over him in waves. He took a deep breath, looked over the darkening sky, and walked into the restaurant.

He saw Blaine and couldn’t help but feel his heart get caught in his throat. He was looking at Kurt, and as Kurt sat down, he could see Blaine’s smile not just on his lips but in his eyes. It was like Kurt was his everything, and it made him feel so conflicted. Blaine leaned in towards Kurt and said, “Kurt, I’m so excited for the party later, but honestly I’ve been most excited about getting to know you. You look absolutely stunning by the way.” Kurt soon felt the conflict he was so familiar with, wanting to lean into Blaine, wanting to touch him, but knowing the potential damage. _God, why did I agree to this? I can’t breathe. I can’t. Say something._ “Thank you, Blaine and I’m excited to get to know you too.” Kurt took a deep breath and decided to just go with it. Ignore the nagging feeling in his stomach. Ignore the want to touch. And just be. He let the conversation flow, and as they talked, he became even more anxious. Blaine was from Ohio too, and a town only 30 minutes from Lima. Blaine was from the very place he had escaped from, and that was not only intimidating but also a reason to not want to tell Blaine what he’s done, or where’ he has been. So he talked about his coming out in high school, and the stuff he used to do, before drugs. And he acted normal, and never brought up anything that would lead to a discussion on rehab, or anything deep or meaningful. 

Thank goodness Blaine Anderson is practically a robot gentleman, because the conversation flowed so nicely, and he was sweet, and he listened and just seemed so invested in Kurt. Kurt couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed by the sheer fact that Blaine eye fucked him through the entire dinner. And Kurt couldn’t help but drown out the anxiety by looking at Blaine, who was wearing a white polo that showed off just how toned his triceps are, and his curls looked like the softest thing he’d ever seen. And despite pit in his stomach and the realization that he was becoming more and more of a liar, he still wanted to touch Blaine. Kiss his hand, work his way up to his arm, bite down on his Adams apple and make him moan.

“Kurt, I have really enjoyed our dinner. This place was delicious” Kurt smiled at Blaine and he knew that he wanted to say so much but could only get out, “Thanks for being great company. Who knew we’d have so much in common? It’s cool to meet someone from Ohio because it makes me feel a little less alone at CBU, and just in general. I miss my dad, but I love being here. So, it’s tough.”

 _How am I saying this? How am I feeling this way? Why do I want him?_ Kurt was simultaneously freaking out at what he had just said, and the fact that he just admitted to feeling alone, to someone who doesn’t even know the truth. And he could just see Blaine’s eyes, his brown, golden speckled eyes, shine with compassion, and emotion. Blaine reached across the table and took Kurt’s hand and rubbed his thumb across his knuckles. Kurt felt at that instant, the same spark he felt the first time they touched. It was like a magnetic force field that pulled them together. He looked at Blaine as Blaine said, “Well, there is no reason to feel alone. Even if we don’t go any further than friends I’ll still be around to talk to.”

Kurt was overwhelmed. More than overwhelmed. He was on the verge of a full-on panic attack. He’s on a date with this perfect guy who is for not real and who he doesn’t deserve. He’s just spent an hour lying to him about who he is, and now he has just somehow had an exchange that has left him emotional, and horny and it was all becoming too much. Blaine took his hand away and Kurt could tell it was probably because of his overwhelmed look. Blaine looked at him with a fun smile, “Before this party, do you want to do a shot?” _SHIT. Play it off Kurt._ He then looked at Blaine with a naughty smirk and he whispered, “Blaine, I’m not 21 yet”. Blaine couldn’t help but laugh and replied “Kurt, they’re both for me” with a wink. Blaine ordered the shots and while the waitress was busy slid one over to Kurt. “Blaine I’m so excited to break the rules for once” Kurt replied with that same smirk still on his face and on the count of three they took the shot.

Kurt knew he knew, that this would happen eventually. He had already relapsed on the pills, and now he had just taken a shot because he was playing the part of someone that’s not an addict. Playing a part that his not completely honest, and now here he was, fucking over his sobriety. He was upset but hid it with a fun grin. As Blaine extended his arm for Kurt to take so he could escort him out like a proper gentleman, Kurt made the decision. He took a deep breath and Blaine’s arm, feeling buzzed, electric, and slightly sick to his stomach and left the restaurant to go to the party.


	19. Sparks: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

The anxiety was overwhelming while he thought about how screwed up he was on the ride over to the party. He could feel the loss despite the buzz. The loss of having just relapsed on both of his drugs of choice in the same week. He was stupid and knew deep down that a part of him wanted to be high, and drunk and with Blaine, and here he was. They got out of the car and Blaine looked at him with concern, and stopped before they went into the house. “Hey, you okay?” Kurt looked at him with a poker face that usually always works, “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go.” Blaine looked at him as though he could read Kurt’s mind, “Kurt. Why are you nervous?” Kurt looked down at the ground feeling exposed and naked at Blaine’s ability to read him so well. He knew the reason he was feeling this way was due to losing his sobriety and acting like someone he wasn’t and acting like he deserved Blaine. Of course, though he was playing a role, and decided to pull the freshman card, “It’s just, this is my first party at CBU, and well…” Blaine looked at him and said, “I know this is hard to believe but this is only my second party.” Kurt giggled a little at the thought of someone as hot as Blaine never partying “Seriously?” “Yep, not lying. I’ve just always been a hermit. But this year I’ve decided to say fuck it, and actually live a little bit. So, listen to me, you are gorgeous, and you are with me, a CBU senior, and the two of us are going to have fun and not care about what others think. We are going to dance and live and if you want to leave tell me and we will. Okay?” Kurt smiled a little because Blaine was so positive, and warm, and kind, and he decided what he wanted. He was going to follow Blaine’s lead. _Fuck it, I’m going to let it go, and just live._ Kurt replied with a smile. “Okay. Let’s go show’em what two hotties look like.”

Kurt saw all the surprised faces as they walked into the massive home. Everyone was happy though, it wasn’t a malicious response, just a lovely surprise. And he honestly, loved the fact that he got to be Blaine’s first. And the attention from it all wasn’t bad at all. Blaine’s friends started to approach him and begin talking, and Blaine was introducing him to everyone as his friend, and it was nice. Everyone was friendly, and while Blaine spoke with friends, Kurt grabbed a chance to take the Xanax he had so he could lose all the thoughts and anxiety, and just let the numbness, and the fun take over. Kurt found a couple of classmates from his fashion design 101 class and began talking with them. As he did, he couldn’t help but look over at Blaine and admire just how gorgeous he was. He was wearing these linen pants that were so tight he was surprised he could get them on. His ass was so big, and his arms were toned. Kurt couldn’t help but feel the need to grab Blaine’s ass anytime he came near him, and it was becoming too much. As Kurt began to feel less and less normal, and anxious, and as alcohol mixed with the pills his self-control was starting to plummet. Eventually, he gave in to the wanting ache that sat along his spine and took Blaine’s hand when he wanted to drag Kurt away for a moment. Blaine pulled Kurt into an empty hallway and leaned in close to him. Kurt could smell his cologne and the mixed drink on his breath, and it became too much. He couldn’t even process what Blaine was saying, he took Blaine’s hand and said, “Blaine lets go into a bathroom real quick.”

Kurt rushed them into the nearest bathroom, closed the door, and before he could process or think, he had his hand on the back of Blaine’s neck. He could smell Blaine, feel the curls on the nape of his neck, and went in. He kissed Blaine, and instantly felt the sparks traveling through his entire body, he kissed Blaine with neediness, and passion, and kissed him like his life depended on his touch. Blaine pulled away slightly from the surprise, and within the same second took Kurt’s hips possessively and pulled him in close and kissed him passionately and heated and when Kurt could feel Blaine’s tongue run across his lips, he opened his mouth more. They were both breathing each other in and exploring one another and feeling the mutuality of want.

The heat increased and as it did the neediness between the two of them also began to increase Blaine began to run his hands over every inch of Kurt’s exposed skin. Kurt was getting so fucking hard, feeling his white skinny jeans tighten, and was going to start begging Blaine to bend him over if they didn’t slow down. Blaine began to place hot wet kisses along Kurt’s neck stopping just above his collar bone to tease a moment. Kurt had moved his hands to Blaine’s hips wanting to grope his ass, and when Blaine finally began to suck on his collar bone and right as Kurt began to moan, Kurt had to stop him, because although he wanted Blaine so so so bad, there was still the tiniest bit of restraint telling him no. He whispered into Blaine’s ear, “Honey slow down.”

Blaine stepped back breathing hard, and Kurt couldn’t help but feel disappointed, a part of him wanting Blaine to bend him over and take him roughly. But he knew that even while being drugged up, and fairly numb, and having fun, that he couldn’t completely regress into the state that left him without a piece of his heart.

Kurt and Blaine took a couple of breaths and then without even exchanging words left the bathroom. For the rest of the they night stayed right next to each other, not wanting their connectedness to end. Their need never went away and on occasion one of them would rub the other's lower back or caress the other's thigh, but they kept it to a minimum. Kurt was overwhelmed by the feeling of Blaine’s touch and couldn’t help but think about him completely undone, but he kept it to himself. As the night went on, the nerves began to return, and the drugs began to wear off and he was tired. So tired. When Blaine and he were leaving the party he was honestly relieved that the date went fairly okay despite losing his sobriety.

On the way back to campus Kurt could feel the comfortable silence settle between them in the car despite the slight sexual tension and he couldn’t help but think about how kind, and nice, and hot Blaine was. And how despite him not wanting a relationship, if he gave in or changed his mind, Blaine would be so perfect. “Kurt. I don’t want to make you feel pressured or anything, but would you like to stay at my place tonight? I have a guest room and it's 2 am, and I know they have dorm rules and all, and…” Kurt froze, not knowing what to say. He was so tired, and felt wasted, and felt comfortable, but how could he trust Blaine. How could he trust someone he’s only spent one night with? Well at this point he only had one thing to lose, and that was a piece of his heart, and he had this feeling that despite his brain and trauma contemplating all the worst possibilities, that none of those possibilities would be something Blaine would do. He gave into his gut feeling at that moment. “Blaine, I don’t know what it is about you, but I trust you. I really trust you. Yes, I would actually really appreciate that because I really don’t want to be sneaking into my dorm room drunk at 2 am.” Blaine smiled at him and said, “Kurt I trust you too and I promise I’ll keep your trust. I promise to be good to you.” _That’s what Liam said. God, why do I feel this way about him?_


	20. Melting For You: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

They got to Blaine’s apartment which he would soon be vacating. His parents had insisted on leasing a two-bedroom despite the fact that he was the only one staying in it. The second bedroom had been furnished as a guest bed and right now he was so thankful he had it because he was happy to have Kurt staying there. He and Kurt were exhausted from the party and their date and the drunken stupor was setting in. So, when they got to the apartment Blaine showed Kurt to the guest room, and bathroom, and then left him to his own devices, figuring he’d just go straight to bed. He went to his own room and quickly undressed. He laid down in only his boxer briefs and couldn’t help but feel warm when thinking about Kurt sleeping just down the hall. The night had been perfect, and he knew Kurt was the guy for him. And he had kissed someone for the first time in 5 years and hadn’t felt like throwing up. His coming out went great and no one batted an eye, despite it being a religiously affiliated university and everything had gone perfect. And now here he was at 2:30 AM lying in bed and falling asleep without crying for the first time in years.

Blaine woke up at 8 am, and instantly got into the shower. He had a slight headache but couldn’t help the excitement, and flutter he felt at remembering that Kurt had stayed the night. As the steaming water hit him, he began to remember just how hot he was last night when Kurt’s soft and perfectly shaped lips were against his. The smoothness of Kurt’s neck and chest against his own lips as he left open-mouthed kisses on him and the feeling of Kurt rubbing his lower back and caressing his arms. Blaine began to stroke himself slowly not being able to hold back the urge. The moan that soon escaped his lips was low pitched and needy. He was trying to be quiet but knew the bathroom always echoed and therefore there was nowhere to hide. He started stroking faster and had brought his arm up to the glass shower wall so he could steady himself. He couldn’t help but think of everything Kurt, his smell, his body, and the fact that he was in the next room over, and Blaine couldn’t help but moan louder. He came with Kurt’s name on the tip of his tongue and with a shake to him that made everything in him go numb. As he rode out the best orgasm he’d had he couldn’t help but think about how he wanted to scream Kurt’s name one day.

Blaine got ready for the day, putting on a simple black t-shirt and super-tight khakis with a pair of blue converse. He felt good, looked good, and had the most beautiful person in his guest room. He pinched himself to make sure this wasn’t a dream, and then went out into the kitchen to make coffee and some toast. As Blaine was fixing the coffee, he heard the guest bedroom door open. “Hey Blaine, Could I borrow some clothes from you?” Blaine loved the sound of his voice no matter how sleepy and groggy it sounded. “Sure, just give me a sec.” Blaine grabbed Kurt a white t-shirt, and some black skinny jeans that were always way too long on him, so they’d fit Kurt who was a couple of inches taller than Blaine. Blaine couldn’t believe how fast everything had changed in two weeks, but here he was grabbing clothes for a guy who spent the night.

Kurt peeked his head out of the door and asked Blaine to leave the clothes in the bathroom, then Blaine went back to the kitchen to continue making breakfast and to give Kurt some privacy. Kurt reappeared 30 minutes later dressed and showered and looking nervous. “good morning, are you okay, you look worried?” “Oh, I’m fine, it’s just I have a moisturizing routine and I don’t have any of my products, so I’m worried about my face breaking out.” Blaine looked at him, and couldn’t help but smile, “Kurt, you look gorgeous. Even when you think you look your worse.” Kurt looked up and Blaine hoped that he could wake up right next to those ocean eyes one day.

They sat down and drank their coffee and ate their toast in comfortable silence. Blaine loved the fact that they could be together and not feel the need to be conversing because they’re just comfortable with one another. Kurt then got his clothes together from last night and Blaine insisted on riding back to campus with Kurt.

They got to campus, and Blaine looked at Kurt with admiration, “Kurt, thank you for a wonderful date and party last night. I know I’ll see you Tuesday, but I hope to have another date with you.” “Blaine, of course. I had an amazing time. And thanks for letting me crash at your place.” Blaine felt so happy and replied, “Oh no problem. I’ll see you Tuesday, and text me if you need anyone to talk to.” Kurt was smiling ear to ear and said, “Okay see you later!” And just like that, Blaine was watching the person he was falling for walk away. As he headed home, he thought of how much he wanted to lean in and kiss Kurt again. But had decided against it, not wanting to pressure Kurt into something that he wasn’t ready for or didn’t want. With that thought, Blaine hoped that he’d get to kiss Kurt, and melt into him again.


	21. Did I Hear That? -POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the peeps who have stuck with this fic! I know it's long, but I've always enjoyed a novel. If you have ever written fanfic, or have feedback please feel free to let me know! I would like to improve this fic in any way possible. I am also sorry if the format is not consistent across the chapters. Thanks again! I plan to update every night or every other night until it's finished. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt woke to the sound of a shower turning on. He opened his eyes, and laid there, looking around the room. He was trying to find his bearings and figure out where he was when it all came rushing back. He went home with Blaine, the guy whom he almost jumped last night, fuck. Kurt laid there partly in disbelief that he was in Blaine’s apartment and he hadn’t fucked him, and partly due to the fact that the emotions were rushing over him. A mixture of neediness and affection, and fear. He rolled onto his stomach wanting to take a deep breath and stretch out, but he instantly regretted it when he felt his morning hardon make contact with the mattress. He naturally wanted to rut against the mattress. Kurt could hear the shower running and couldn’t help but think of Blaine’s naked body, the water dripping off of his toned chest, and his wet curly hair. As the images of Blaine in the shower began to become more and more detailed, he quickly rolled over onto his back while simultaneously bringing one of his hands to his head to tug at his own hair, and his other hand soon snaked farther and farther down his abdomen. He tugged at his hair while teasing himself, playing with his nipples, and feeling himself get harder and harder. He began to imagine being in the shower with Blaine, caressing his every inch, getting on his knees, kissing Blaine’s wet thighs, and then taking Blaine’s cock into his mouth and sucking him off. He swore right as he began to touch himself, he could hear Blaine moan. All of a sudden Kurt’s imagination was becoming real, as he had a steady rhythm on his own cock he swore he heard Blaine moaning, loudly, and all of the sudden he was moaning too. “God..hmm…fuck…fuck…fuck.” He was moaning into a pillow as he picked up the pace on his own cock, and as he did, he closed his eyes and could see Blaine’s dark lust-filled eyes from the night before. He thankfully had enough where with all to use his shirt, so he wouldn’t come all over the sheets. 

He laid there, numb, and blissed out from the sheer thought of Blaine having just done the same thing in the shower. And he hoped that Blaine was thinking of him while doing it. God, he was so screwed. Laying in Blaine’s home, whacking off, and wanting his touch, and enjoying every second of last night, and ruining his sobriety, and not wanting to get hurt. It was all so confusing and conflicting and he knew he’d have to make a tough decision in the near future and wasn’t sure if he was ready for it. 

************************  
Blaine dropped him off at his dorm after they ate breakfast together and now, he was sitting in his car thinking about everything. He had borrowed some clothes from Blaine and couldn’t help but bask in the scent of sandalwood. They smelled like Blaine, and coffee and they brought back the look Blaine gave him this morning; he was looking at him as though he had never seen someone so beautiful. He treated him so kindly and he was shocked that it was never awkward between them. Even after they made out in that bathroom the night before. Even after the dirty shit, he’s pretty sure they both did that morning. It did not feel awkward and instead, it felt domestic and normal and the comfortable silence that would often settle between them made him feel at peace. He relapsed last night and in the same breath made out with the most handsome human, and in the same beat went home with him, and in the same frequency woke up to him. It all seemed to happen so fast, and yet it didn’t feel fast enough. And in the depths of all these moments was the reminder that he had relapsed and was doing exactly what he had promised he wouldn’t do. He had said he wouldn’t drink, and he drank. He had said he wouldn’t pursue guys and yet he moved in for the first kiss. His heart was one step ahead and this was what always got him in trouble. 

In high school, before the bullying, and before the drugs, and before all of it, Kurt had always led with his heart. He wanted to help people, and bring comfort, and he cared for those around him. He wanted romance, and beautiful dinners, and had dreamed of his future life as being a sort of hallmark movie. It wasn’t until he got older, and lived through violence, hate, and the raw truth of life that he began to harden his heart and live in a sterile environment. He had worked hard during his rehab and his recovery to become less involved. Less involved in his feelings, in his mind, and in his trauma. When he arrived to CBU he had a plan that included remaining distant from himself and everyone around him. And yet, after all that work, Blaine seemed to cause him to do just the opposite. Blaine caused him to feel. Blaine caused him to feel warm, and he wanted to be close to Blaine. He wanted more dinners, and more nights like last night, and wanted to sleep in the bed next to him and wake up to his coffee. And he was beginning to feel crazy. He knows nothing about Blaine and yet feels like he has known him for years.   
He had to make a choice. He had to make one before it was too late.


	22. Will You Be Mine? -POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine looked forward to Tuesday and his weekend went by quickly as he packed up his clothing and little things here and there. His parents had served him with the official paperwork earlier in the week and he cried while signing it. He had always dreamed about his family somehow staying together and that dream came to an end as he signed away his entitlements to the estate and giving his parent permission to dissolve his trust fund and give the assets to him outright. It also stated that he’d have to find a new apartment because the one he was staying in currently had his parent's name on the lease. It was hard, but he got to packing knowing that the faster he got out of there the faster he would get to move one and love without them. 

So, he packed and enjoyed doing so. There was nothing more exciting than finding a new place for himself and being able to decorate it himself, and being able to have all the freedom in the world to do whatever he wanted. He could through parties, have boys over, and never feel like it threatened him or jeopardized his need to be the perfect son, and to impress, and to please them. Them disowning him and cashing out his Trust Fund to him was probably the best thing they’d ever done for him. He imagines his father did it because he didn’t want anything with Blaine’s name on it attached to him, and Blaine knew his mother would have wanted him to be taken care of, even if she couldn’t stand up for him. So here he was at the age of 23 with 3 million dollars and no family. Sure, it was sad and a little sickening that he was paid and then exiled from his family, but he knows they were never a “family”. And he was hoping that by being himself, and by letting people into his life that actually cared about him he’d have more of a family in the future than he ever had in the past. 

He was ready to go and find whatever it is that would inspire him, and he was ready to be happy. The pain though wouldn’t go away overnight, he still had a hard time. The trauma, the second-guessing, the sickness, the occasions when he would wake up due to a dream that was oddly reminiscent of that summer after 7th grade, it all still haunted him but he knew he was happier. Monday of midterms week came, and Blaine was slammed between looking for an apartment, tutoring, and his own exams. But he got through it, and after that long day not only was he one day away from tutoring Kurt, he had also found the perfect apartment to move into. 

The sun was setting, and as it set the fall leaves of the oak trees to gold. The orange, red, and gold colors reflecting off of the glass building and shining through the empty corridor gave Blaine chills. The beauty was overwhelming and reminiscent to Kurt's eyes, the most beautiful thing he had in his life. He had been sitting at his usual table in the business building for two hours, in part because he had work to do and had to make several phone calls. But mainly because he couldn’t wait to tutor Kurt. He wasn’t sure if they were “dating” because they really hadn’t talked much since Saturday, and Blaine felt as though maybe him and Kurt making out was just a result of the alcohol. But then again, they had had an amazing date, and so maybe he was just downplaying the connection he felt. Or maybe, Kurt really isn’t into him, or just doesn’t want him or… Blaine took a deep breath and calmed his mind, which had been racing on and off all day. All of Blaine’s insecurities were coming up to the surface and it was hard for him to put a distance between the lies he’d always been told about himself and the reality of everything.   
As he was thinking he hadn’t noticed Kurt walking towards him. When Kurt pulled out his chair to sit across from Blaine, he startled. Kurt smiled at him, “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to startle you out of your trance.” “Oh, no I’m great. I’m happy to see you.” He looked at Kurt and smiled instantly. “Why don’t we get into it since this is midterms week?” Kurt nodded his head and said, “Sounds good.” They began studying for Kurt’s accounting midterm, reviewing the most difficult concepts, and as they did, they both seemed to have a new kind of energy. They couldn’t help but look at each other differently, and near the end of the session, Blaine couldn’t help when he began to move his foot closer to Kurt’s under the table. He was trying to remain professional because he was doing his job after all but wanted to feel Kurt. Feel his boots, feel his hands, and before he knew it, he was looking at Kurt’s bottom lip as he worried it while trying to solve a particularly hard question. The same lip that touched his on Friday. The same lip that made him feel wanted, and needy, and warm inside. Blaine had never had a kiss like that, it was new and different, and good, and he wanted more. 

The session seemed to fly by and as soon as Kurt was packing up his accounting textbook, Blaine exited his thoughts and went for it, not even fully thinking but instead, for the first time in his adult life, leading with his heart. “Hey, so I was wondering what your plans are Friday night? I need help moving and was hoping you could help. You are so good at fashion, I figured you’d enjoy some interior decorating.” Blaine knew this was part truth and part lie. He wanted Kurt, but also wanted to get to know him and be around him. So, this seemed to be an okay suggestion. Kurt looked at him and made a sad sigh, “sorry Blaine, I would actually love that but I’m going home to Ohio this weekend. My dad hasn’t been doing the best, so I want to go spend some time with him. But if you are up for it, I’d love to go on a walk or something?” Kurt looked at Blaine with a sort of sparkle in his eye, and Blaine decided to make the choice, “Kurt, will you walk with me now? I don’t know where to, but I want to walk with you and just be around you.” Kurt said yes, and as they walked out of the business building Blaine took Kurt’s hand. Kurt looked at him with subtle surprise but kept it there. 

As they walked across campus, they discussed the new men’s vogue issue, Blaine’s interior designer that he hired, and how he chose one and talked about their midterms, when they finally arrived to the parking lot with the freshman student cars. It wasn’t very big because cars weren’t allowed for freshman unless they were out of state students. As Blaine approached Kurt’s car he was getting confused but didn’t want to ask any questions. Kurt unlocked the car and popped the trunk and placed their backpacks in it. Blaine couldn’t help it, “Kurt, why are we at your car? Are you taking me on a trip?” Kurt smiled and despite the horrible parking lot florescent lighting his eyes still seemed to sparkle, “No silly. I wanted us to have a safe, quiet, and private place to chill and thought the back of my car wouldn’t be too bad of an option. Is that okay with you?” Blaine couldn’t help but feel fluttery as he nodded and scooted into the back seat of Kurt’s car. Kurt had started the engine and put-on chill music, and the heat so they wouldn’t be cold from the October chill. Then they sat there and talked. Their conversations were never awkward, and they just seem to get along so well. Kurt had wit and Blaine had charm and they were fitting together perfectly. After an hour or so Blaine finally broached the question he’d been wanting to ask since they started their walk, “Now I have a question for you. I don’t know if it’s too early and I hope it isn’t, but would you like for us to be a thing? Well to clarify, will you Kurt Hummel, be my boyfriend? I know it's early and I know we have just started doing stuff together but for some reason, I feel like I’ve known you for ages, and like I said Friday night, I have feelings for you, and just want us to be a thing. But I want to make sure that’s what you want, and I hope I’m not freaking you out and…”


	23. Choices: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

There it is was. The choice Kurt had been avoiding. He had just walked with Blaine, took him to his car, and sat there talking for an hour, all while thinking about everything he wanted with Blaine, and yet he still hadn’t made up his mind. His heart was made up, his heart wanted Blaine. His mind was not there. And at this moment, a beautiful moment, so sweet and so kind, Kurt couldn’t process it without feeling all the pain from before rushing back.  
******************  
Kurt had woken up in a crappy motel room, and his hangover had his head spinning and his stomach-turning, and everything hurt. And as he sat up trying to remember how he got there, he turned to see this human next to him. Liam. “Hi Angel, you sleep okay?” Kurt had never expected him to stay. For some reason, he kind of expected Liam to be gone the next morning, because despite having gotten drunk, and given up his virginity to this guy, Kurt had just had this gut feeling that he wouldn’t be there. But there he was, “yeah, I slept okay.” Liam looked at him and it was the first time he had ever seen someone look at him in such a desirable way. “Hey Kurt, so I know you don’t really know me, but I want you to know me. I want to get to know you. Will you go on a date with me?”

And just like that, one date turned into two which turned into three. On that third date, Liam asked Kurt to be his boyfriend. He had gotten down on one knee and decided to make it a huge deal, and of course, the only thing that wasn’t right about the situation was that they were both drunk. But Kurt said yes. He said yes, and exposed his heart to nine horrible months, and drugs, and crimes, and control and it was too much. His heart wanted but his mind knew how to flashback to the moments that caused his walls to build. 

He took a deep breath. Trying not to spiral out of control in front of Blaine and began to shake his head no, and instantly saw Blaine’s face start to fall. Kurt looked at Blaine with an emotional depth that was difficult to decipher and finally spoke, “Blaine, my plan when leaving to go to college was to not become involved. This was my fourth choice for college, and I ended up here because I made stupid choices during my senior year of high school. I never wanted to get hurt again, and I wanted to remain focused on school. And therefore, I should have said no to going on a date with you because I knew what it could lead to. And I shouldn’t have made out with you while I was drunk and needy but here we are. I’m sorry.

He continued speaking and even though he wasn’t looking at Blaine, Kurt knew he was breaking his heart, “I’m sorry I led you on. You are perfect, and I honestly really like you. But I can’t be in a relationship. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, and the fact of the matter is that I can’t be in a relationship. I honestly wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry.”

Kurt looked up and saw the sadness on Blaine’s face. Kurt knew what he just did, and how much it hurt Blaine, but he couldn’t repeat the cycle and needed to focus on himself. He knew he shouldn’t have taken it this far with Blaine, and now he was the complete and utter jerk who was rejecting the most perfect boy he’d seen. Kurt was hurting, and Blaine was hurting, and he wished at his moment that he wasn’t so broken, and traumatized, and could just listen to his heart.  
Blaine spoke softly, “Hey, I’m going to go. Don’t worry about it, Kurt. Let’s just act like this never happened. I’ll see you next Tuesday for tutoring, and I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything.” Kurt quickly turned off the car and popped the drunk so Blaine could get his bag, and as soon as Blaine grabbed his bag, he was speed walking away. As he walked away, Kurt could feel the darkness closing in around him. Blaine’s light in his world diminishing and being replaced by the cold October chill.


	24. Pink Light: POV Blaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: eating disorders, self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

What had he done? Was he not perfect enough? Did he rush it? What did he do? As Blaine began to practically run away from Kurt he began to think of everything he had done wrong. He had asked Kurt over to his apartment on the first date, he had asked him out, he had asked him to walk with him, had taken and held his hand. He knew this could’ve happened. He knew that in any endeavor that involved his heart rejection was possible. He had been rejected by nearly everything and everyone in his life. And yet, he had still hoped for one more try. He had hoped for one more attempt. He had wished that this would be the one time, one time, it would work out. And yet here he was, now running across campus, with tears streaming down his face, and his nose running, and the October chill burning the wet tip of his nose. 

**********************************  
When he finally got home, he showered and dressed in a pair of warm pajamas, and he crawled into bed. He had cried and then after crying had felt like returning to some of his worst habits. He used to binge eat and then purge. He used to cut himself. He used to use different habits to cope while he was in and out of camps, or therapies, or hospitals. He hadn’t done them in a while because he had promised himself that despite all the shame, guilt, and self-deprecating thoughts he carried around, that he would begin to be nicer and kinder to his body. And as he laid there in bed, hurting from the combination of events that had occurred in just three weeks’ time, he could at least think one positive thought. He could at least say he hadn’t returned to his old ways. But he was hurt, and he just wanted one thing to go right. He just wanted one thing for him, and he wanted a night where he could no longer feel completely and utterly alone and yet here he was, alone. 

****************************  
Wednesday morning arrived, and now that he had not slept, he knew he would need to get over himself. He needed to be Blaine. The perfect Dalton boy. He had midterms, tutoring, and he had to move. And after the week off he took to grieve the rejection of his parents he knew he couldn’t do it again. He was a grown-ass man who had to suck it up and move on. Even if moving on meant thinking of Kurt every five minutes, and going to his contact card in his phone, and wanting to call him, and then closing his phone to avoid pressing the button, he had to do it. He had to get shit done. And so he moved through the week with this in mind. By Friday he was signing the lease to his new apartment. And by Sunday, he had finished moving. He got lucky and was able to make the process go quickly thanks to how small his new apartment was, and how much money he had saved from tutoring, not even needing to wait till his trust fund money was resolved. 

Monday had arrived, and it had been almost a week since Kurt had rejected him. He had avoided texting Kurt and calling him but had thought of him. He had thought about his smile and his laugh, and the joy he had when he discussed fashion. He had thought of his beautiful light skin, and his soft lips, and his hands, and his ass that looked so good in his tight jeans. He had subconsciously looked for Kurt every time he was on campus, walking through the library, and art center just to see if he could see him. He had begun to stop by the Starbucks near campus every day, just to see if he was there. He hadn’t seen him but knew he was on the verge of being a stalker. And although he was hurt from the rejection, a part of him felt as though he should still be pinning for him. Kurt had said he liked him, and Blaine just felt in his gut that Kurt wanted him. Even though he said he wasn’t ready. 

For the first time in a week, Blaine was falling asleep thinking about the possibilities and not about the hurt.  
******************

“Kurt, Kurt! Wait up.” They were in the business building, right next to the entrance, and it was early, around 7 am. The sun was new, and the sky was still pink. The pink light was reflecting off of Kurt’s lips. Blaine stopped Kurt from behind, and as Kurt turned around to face him, he placed his hands on either side of Kurt’s hips and pulled him close. Kurt had a surprised look on his face that was now only an inch from his. He leaned into Kurt and nuzzled his cheek against Kurts. “Hey Kurt” Blaine began to whisper, “I know you said no but I can’t stop thinking of you. I can’t live without seeing you, and I want you. I want to do so much to you; you have no clue”. And with that Kurt’s lips were on his. And as professors began to enter the building to start their workday, there stood the two of them kissing as though they were the only ones there. 

Blaine eventually came up for air and decided to grab Kurt’s hand and leading him down a long hallway lined with windows on one side and classrooms on the other. He got to the end of the hall where there was a small kitchen nook tucked away. And he quickly reattached his lips with Kurt’s, moving Kurt back into the counter. He knew that a dean or professor could walk in at any moment to utilize the coffee maker, and yet they kept going. Kurt began to grope Blaine’s ass, as their tongues explored each other’s mouths. Blaine could feel his hard-on straining in his black dress and wanted more. He needed more. He broke away from kissing Kurt’s lips and began to kiss along Kurt’s jaw, as Kurt pulled him closer to him, now making their bodies flush. He could hear Kurt panting and trying his best to not let loose a moan and could now feel Kurt’s hard on. They both needed, wanted more. As they began to rub against one another, trying to remain quiet while simultaneously not caring that they were now grinding in a public space and Kurt now began to moan…BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Blaine woke with a startle. He was panting, dripping in sweat, and looked down to see his hardon leaking precum. And before he even shut off his alarm, he closed his eyes again and began to touch himself, thinking of how loud Kurt’s moan could be. He came hard and completely undone within a minute. He had never had a dream like that. Never. He had never come so hard. In the only relationship he had in his senior year of high school he was so ashamed and nervous that he didn’t even make out with the guy, and now he was dreaming about this stuff. And although this was new and epic and freeing, he still wanted more. He wanted Kurt’s hand not his own. As he was attempting to collect himself and get into a headspace appropriate for a weekday, he checked his phone. “Shit, It's Tuesday.”


	25. Honesty: POV Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Friday came around and Kurt decided he would make good on his promise to go home to Ohio for dinner with his dad. He was struggling though. He couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened between him and Blaine. He wanted to text him and apologize. He wanted to change his mind and say that he was just nervous and wanted to have an honest discussion with him about his addiction. He wanted everything with Blaine. Tuesday night, after Blaine walked away from him, he had a moment that he was not proud of. He drove to a bar, used his fake ID, and drank. There was this hope he had when he arrived at CBU, the hope that he would be able to stay clean and free, and not have to have any more moments that he would surely regret. And yet there he was, at 4 am, falling asleep in his car because he was too drunk to drive. When he woke, at 7am, he was still buzzed, but decided he was safe enough to drive back to campus, change his clothes and get to his Wednesday morning classes. Sure, he was spiraling, but he would still show up to class, because he promised his dad that he would do good in college, especially after almost failing his senior year.

Burt Hummel had been Kurt’s biggest cheerleader. When his wife died, when Kurt was 7, he had learned very soon that he had to be there. Always remain vigilant in making sure that his son was being raised in a way that always let him know he was not alone. His wife had always been so good at that, she had brought light, and love everywhere she went. And he knew after her passing it would be hard for them, but he promised her that he would watch over their son, and make sure he’d stay safe in a world that was not kind to people like him. In a world that was scary and not always accepting. He had made that promise. But it was hard. And as Kurt went into his senior year of high school, he had become more and more cut off from him.

After one weekend binge last year with Liam, Kurt had returned home and went straight to his room. His dad knocked on the door and wanted to talk with him because he hadn’t seen him since their Friday night dinner. When Kurt opened the door to talk to his father, he had bloodshot eyes and was slightly sweaty, and his father was looking at him as though he didn’t recognize him. “Kurt, are you okay? You don’t look well.” Kurt attempting like he always did to be perfectly fine said, “Dad, don’t do this right now. I’m fine. What do you want?” Burt was shocked, “What do I want? I want to talk to my son. Kurt, I care about you and when you come back from a weekend at “Mercedes” [his father used air quotes] looking like this then I get really worried Kurt. What’s going on? Why have you been distant?” Kurt had shut down, choosing not to share, not to talk, and instead saying something about just going to bed.

After that Burt had been scared for his son and little did he know at that moment that in the months to follow everything would get much worse. So, when Kurt got clean and enrolled in college he made him promise to go to classes and do good. He made him promise and Kurt decided that he’d try his best, even if that meant showing up to class still buzzed.

The week had gone by faster than he expected mainly because of midterms. And before he knew it, he was on the road headed home to Lima. It was a long drive, but he had promised. So he left at 11 am after his last final and drove straight through arriving at 7:30 pm just in time for dinner. He had sobered up enough to be on the road and wanted to appear as though he hadn’t relapsed. He hated lying to his father but had worked too hard to disappoint him. And of course, on the entire drive there all he wanted to do was be anywhere but on the way to Lima. He thought of Blaine. He could have said yes, they could be boyfriends, they could be on the phone, they could be on a date, and yet he couldn’t say yes. He couldn’t say yes, despite all he felt.

He got to Lima and was eating dinner with his father. “How is school going?” “Good. I got a tutor for my accounting class that’s been helping me so I get a good grade, and everything else is actually not too bad.” _Yeah dad, I got this tutor who I have a crush on, who I dream about, and who I’ve kissed._ “That great Kurt. Are you dating anyone?” _Great timing Burt. “_ No dad, I’m just trying to stay focused on school.” Burt had the feeling deep down that Kurt wasn’t telling the full truth but didn’t want to believe that his son was continuing to lie to him, especially after all they had gone through in the past year.

Burt made the decision to push it, and just ask him. He was tired of being lied to and wanted the truth and after everything that went down, he was not okay with just not asking the question. “Kurt, did you relapse?” _SHIT_ “Dad, do you not trust me to stay clean?” It was a defensive statement and apart of him felt bad after saying it. “Kurt, why don’t you just answer the question?” “Dad, I am a grown adult, and can do whatever I please. I come home to spend time with you, not to be grilled.” Burt sighed, not looking at Kurt but instead at the picture of Kurt’s mother hanging on the wall behind him. He missed her. “Kurt. Just tell me.”

Kurt knew that there was no point in trying to keep up the lying. He had become a master at lying and has done that so much this year and had run away from his problems and if there was anything, he had worked on in rehab it was that. “Yes dad, I relapsed.” Kurt sighed in defeat. “I went on a date, and the guy offered me a drink, and although I’m underaged, and told him that, he insisted on it. I didn’t want to admit to being an alcoholic on the first date, so I drank it. Since then, I’ve had it under wraps. I have not been binging like that, but I did have a drink. I did not want to tell you, and I got defensive because I knew you’d be disappointed and didn’t want to see the look you currently have on your face. But I had promised myself while at rehab to work on not lying to you so there’s the truth.” _Or most of it._ Kurt felt like crying and throwing up at the same time. His father’s face was flat but, in his eyes, he could sense the feelings of helplessness, and disappointment, and he hated himself for making his father feel that way.

Kurt got up to go to the bathroom, he didn’t want to cry in front of his father and also wanted to pop a pill before he’d start to spiral and simmer on what a piece of shit he was. As he was getting up Burt stopped him, “Kurt.” His voice was low, and soft yet still strong. “yeah dad?” “Just be careful. Call me if you need help. I can’t keep you from drinking or doing drugs but I’m here. You know no matter how much it pains me I’ll still be here. Okay?” Kurt was now crying. He wished his father had yelled at him, or beat the shit out of him because he’d deserve that, but instead his father was kind and warm, and he didn’t deserve to have such a forgiving man as his father. He escaped to the bathroom, got out his phone, and clicked on Blaine’s contact. He hovered his thumb above the call button. And then decided to close out his phone. He wanted to call Blaine. He wanted to lean on him. He hated himself.

Saturday morning, he headed back to CBU so he could get a nap in before work. And while he was still upset about what had happened with his sobriety, he had made the choice to drown out the noise, and self-deprecating thoughts by planning on how he would get Blaine back. He had realized on his long drive home that he was wrong. He had never thought of Liam the way he thinks about Blaine. He had decided he’d be honest with Blaine, and that he’d try it. Why couldn’t they at least try it.

************************

His alarm went off and it was now Tuesday. Fuck his trauma, fuck his sobriety, he was going to do something his heart wanted, he was going to get Blaine, despite all the broken he was. He was going to apologize and get Blaine because even if he didn’t deserve to be with someone as kind, and as thoughtful, and as perfect as Blaine, his heart wasn’t going to just move on. And even though he was scared, and his mind was reminding him of all the bad it wasn’t going to stop him. He’d take a pill, drink a shot, and mask the pain in his head and follow his heart.


	26. Hearts Don't Lie: POV All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Thank you so much for the reviews, bookmarks, and more. I really appreciate you all for reading this fic. And LOVE feedback so please share any and all feedback you might have with me. This chapter is SMUT. YES! Finally! Some hardcore smut. A lot of frottage. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine got up and tried to think about anything other than Kurt as he got ready for the day. But his efforts were not effective because in the end, he would always end up thinking of Kurt. He got dressed and apart of him wanted to wear an Adidas tracksuit today, but it was chilly, and Halloween was just around the corner and therefore, fall fashion was in. He decided to put on a tight mustard yellow turtleneck and pair it with black skinny jeans, and a black jean jacket, with his cream vans. It was a different look, but anything looked good with gold and he felt that as long as he added a gold chain it would look good. Apart of him just wanted to look good for Kurt. Maybe at his session today he'd feel the same way he felt. Maybe he wouldn't have to make a move. Blaine don't be crazy. Kurt hasn't even texted you. Be professional.

Blaine had been sitting in the business building, at his corner table since 4 pm. He had sat down to study but instead found himself stocking Kurt. He had resisted searching him on Instagram and Facebook, in part because he didn't want to be a creep. But all he could do was think about him, and he finally gave in. Kurt's Facebook was essentially non-existent, just a profile pic, and stuff people had tagged him in. But when Blaine found his Instagram, he couldn't help but feel a mixture of admiration and turned-on. His Instagram was like his personal fashion blog. There was picture after picture of him posing in outfits that ranged from high fashion to avant-garde. In every picture, Kurt looked powerful and beautiful, and his body was thin, but still defined and sculpted and it was a lot to look at. He was beautiful, and Blaine wanted to ask him again. He wanted to be around him.

When Kurt arrived, the sun had just finished setting, and the business hall had dimmed energy-saving lighting that made the atmosphere feel more like a night café than like a school building. The city lights could be seen in the distance, and everything seemed to twinkle. Blaine saw Kurt and instantly felt the urge to grab his hand and hold it. His dream had been so vivid and seeing Kurt in person was difficult because he was more beautiful in person than he was in his dream, and Blaine didn't know that was possible. Kurt sat down and as soon as he sat down Blaine could tell he was on a mission.

"Blaine I'm sorry about last week." He sounded sincere and Blaine knew that although it hurt that he rejected him, he wasn't going to hold it against him. "Kurt don't apologize. I accept the apology but really you don't need to apologize to me. I pushed it, and I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable. Don't worry about it." Blaine wanted to change the tone so they wouldn't simmer on last week, "So, what do you need help with this week?" Blaine was looking at Kurt waiting for a response and noticed this new look in his eyes that Blaine had only seen one other time. He had only looked at Blaine like that when he had been drunk that night.

"Blaine, I don't need help with accounting tonight." Blaine looked at him confused. A part of him had expected Kurt to stick to what he had said. He had expected himself to remain professional despite everything he wanted to do to him. And now all of a sudden something was different. Blaine couldn't figure out what had changed but something seemed different with Kurt. "Okay, well, we can always end the session early and just resume next week." Blaine looked up to see Kurt looking at him with this sort of smirk that made his cock twitch. What the fuck Blaine. Breathe.

Kurt had spent his break between classes and tutoring pre-gaming. He had had a couple of shots, and when he arrived, Blaine was sitting there in this mustard turtleneck, curls short but loose, and with a gold chain on that glistened off his brown hazel eyes. Kurt arrived numb enough to not be anxious but not so numb that he wouldn't be able to feel his heart. He had apologized for how he acted because he was sorry, but he diverted from the plan of telling Blaine the truth. Alcohol was always his escape from the truth, and it tended to make him super horny and here he was, looking at this beautiful human, and not even caring one bit where they were. He wanted him. "Blaine, I don't need help with accounting tonight". As soon as he said it, he couldn't help but smirk and eye fuck Blaine. Blaine was looking at him confused, but Kurt could feel the tension. He could feel that Blaine was just as wanting as he was and was just trying to be professional. "Okay, well, we can always end the session early and just resume next week." Kurt wanted to laugh at him but instead leaned in close. "Blaine, we don't have to end the session early, because I know you get paid to help me learn. I was just wondering if we could learn something new about each other instead." He was talking to Blaine in a seductive low register whisper and he could feel Blaine staring into him and could see his eyes becoming darker.

Blaine decided to play his game, "Kurt, what do I not know about you?" Blaine began to move his leg closer to Kurt's under the small table. Allowing their knees to touch. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Blaine." Kurt leaned forward even more while answering enjoying the closeness and wanting more, "For one, I enjoy a lot of different things, and positions, and I enjoy when someone looks at me the way you look at me." Slightly out of breath Blaine responded just as seductively, and even though he had never done this before, for some reason he didn't feel nervous in this moment just focused on the human in front of him, making him feel this way. "Kurt, there's a lot I still haven't done. I've never really done much of anything, and maybe you could be my tutor, you know, for the different positions." Kurt could feel chills going down his spine and could only imagine what he could teach him. A part of Kurt though didn't want Blaine to feel used like he once did. Kurt, tell him your intention. Be honest. "Blaine I'd love that. But I will say that despite all I want to teach you, I don't know if I can commit to being your everything. But I want to teach you, and I want you to learn from me. There so much out there for us to enjoy."

Blaine could feel his entire body going numb at the thought of everything he could do to Kurt and everything Kurt could teach him and all they could learn about each other. Of course, he wanted it to be deeper than sex, he wanted romance, and dates, and all the fluff. But he wanted something, anything, and if that meant just hooking up Blaine would do it. "Kurt, do you want to come home with me?" "Blaine, I'd love that."


	27. Underwater: POV All Knowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.
> 
> Authors note: Thank you so much for the reviews, bookmarks, and more. I really appreciate you all reading this fic. And LOVE feedback so please share any and all feedback you might have with me. This chapter is SMUT. YES! Finally! Some hardcore smut. A lot of frottage. Enjoy!

Chapter 27: Underwater All-Knowing POV

Blaine couldn't believe what he was doing. He had just basically agreed to a hookup. And he didn't even feel ashamed of that fact. He had lived years in the closet, ignoring everything he felt, in the hopes that somehow someway he'd turn into someone who wasn't gay. Yet here he was ordering an Uber, so he could take his tutee back to his place. It was a whole new level of freedom and it was exhilarating. And it wasn't some random guy, it was this beautiful human whose eyes made him feel like he was underwater and looking up at the sun. He was still a little conflicted though because the person he was sitting across from was not the same as he was last week. He seemed so adamant last week on not having a relationship and not doing this, and even though Blaine wanted him to change his mind, a part of Blaine felt as though there was just something off. But he ordered the Uber, and while they waited for it to arrive talked about coffee. How Kurt likes his coffee, all while entangling their legs under the table. Blaine was in deep.

As they got in the Uber Kurt was second-guessing his choices. He felt numb to his anxiety and wasn't anxious about him and Blaine, but he was confused. One minute he felt as though it wouldn't be bad if he was with him, the next minute he was saying no. It's almost as though the drugs and alcohol mixed with seeing Blaine, and being close to him, just caused him to become a whole new person. Blaine was starting to feel like a new drug for him. It was a lot, but at this moment he could still feel the tingling in his legs from having them entangled with Blaine's legs and all he wanted to do was touch, Blaine. They slid into the backseat of the Uber, which was a small Honda Prius, and as they rode over to Blaine's place, they teased each other subtly. They each sat near a window, allowing a foot of space between them at first. But then Kurt reached over to caress and hold Blaine's hand and that caress soon turned into Blaine moving closer to Kurt, closing the space between them inch by inch. Eventually, they ended up sitting only two inches away from each other, and their handholding had moved onto Blaine's lap. Eventually, they dropped one another's hands and started to rub each other's knees inching further and further up each other's thighs. With every new inch closed between them and every new caress, they could both feel the air around them closing in and their cocks twitching in their jeans.

When they finally arrived at Blaine's apartment Blaine was so anxious and turned on that he couldn't even unlock the door to his apartment without fumbling his keys. As soon as he got the door open, he grabbed Kurt, and closed the door, slamming Kurt into the closed door and closing the space between them. Kurt was so turned-on by Blaine's roughness and his hands in the car that he already had a raging erection. And at this rate would come in five seconds if Blaine didn't slow down. They were full-on making out, Blaine holding Kurt's face with both hands, Kurt clutching Blaine's hips as though they were his lifeline. Their tongues intertwining with purpose and meaning and their breathing hot and wet. Blaine broke away feeling as though he'd pass out if he didn't come up for air, and when he did, Kurt took a deep breath, breathing in Blaine and the smell of his apartment and the smell of them together and he was already dripping sweat from just how hot he was. Blaine stepped back a couple of inches and Kurt couldn't help but love just how disheveled and rough and undone Blaine looked. No longer did Blaine have this perfect untouched beauty about him. That beauty had been replaced with full swollen kissed lips, and messy curls, and a wrinkled turtleneck sweater that was now pulled up in some places. They stood there breathing and looking at each other as though they were the only two humans that they'd ever seen in their lives. It was a moment that was soft and neither would want to admit the depth of it. It was soon broken by Blaine who took Kurt's hand and quickly led him to the back corner of the apartment, turning on the dim floor lamp in his bedroom, and closing the door and with that Kurt took control, taking hold of Blaine's shoulders and slamming him up against the nearest wall.

Blaine had never had someone make out with him like this. He could tell Kurt had experience of some kind because everything he did had a purpose. He was going crazy regretting having worn such tight black skinny jeans his hard cock straining against the fabric. Kurt had never felt more intoxicated than he had right now. All the drugs in the world, all the alcohol he could drink, and all the sex and making out he had done was nothing compared to Blaine. Blaine was now groping his ass, as he was slipping his hand under Blaine's turtleneck to caress the bare skin of his lower back. Kurt had to break away from Blaine's mouth to take a breath, and as he did, Blaine wanting more, reached down and slipped off his turtleneck. Kurt moaned as he watched Blaine reveal his toned muscular upper body. His abs just as defined as his arms. Kurt's cock had never leaked precum so quickly.

Kurt began to kiss open mouth kisses everywhere he could, along Blaine's jaw, neck and chest and as he did Blaine began to moan. "Fuck fuck fuck, Kurt, mmmmmm, fuck" Kurt slotted their legs together, and before they knew it Blaine's dream was coming true. There was nothing that compared to feeling another man's hard cock against his own, and now not only were they kissing anywhere they could, but they were also grabbing at each other, and grinding into one another. Blaine knew at this point they wouldn't even make it onto his bed. He was fucking going to come right there against his bedroom wall. Kurt made a loud groan while feeling Blaine's cock against his own and while simultaneously gripping Blaine's biceps. "Damn Blaine. God, you're a fucking slut" Blaine gasped "Fuck Kurt I want more, god fucking touch me, ugh, pleaseee". Their lips reattached as Kurt's hand went to palm Blaine's cock through his jeans. Blane was moaning so loud that he was sure his new neighbors were able to hear him and he didn't even care. Kurt was so turned on by Blaine's moan, "fuck Blaine, unbutton your jeans, please fucking unbutton your jeans." Kurt unbuttoned his at the same time as Blaine, and when his eyes returned to Blaine's he was caught by just how dark they were, hues of lust swirling in them. Blaine bit his lip to stop from coming early at the sight of Kurt's long hard cock straining against his super tight boxer briefs.

Blaine closed the space they had created and laid his head in the nook of Kurt's shoulder and began to bite and suck at Kurt's earlobe. Kurt began to pump Blaine's cock which was still in his boxer briefs. And soon enough Blaine began to do the same to Kurt. "Mmmmm, what the hell Blaine? What the hell, how are you so good…mmm… at…mmmohgod…this?" "Because you, fuck fuck fuck, mmmm, you did it first. I learn quickly." Kurt wanted to touch Blaine's bare cock, wanting to look at the girth in his hand. He pulled down Blaine's tight boxer briefs, and with that revealed the best cock he had ever seen. It was large in every way, and the veins were so clearly defined, and it was leaking pre-cum, and when Kurt grabbed it Blaine lost it, "FUCK. Fuck Kurt, I'm not going to, mmmm, fuck…" At this point, Blaine had stopped pumping on Kurts cock because he couldn't even function enough to create a sentence. He could feel how close he was and knew he would cum any minute and was surprised he had lasted this long. Not wanting this moment to end, he grabbed Kurt's hand, "Baby…mmmm…not yet." "Fuck Blaine, did you just call..me..mmm…yes, aww, yes, YES!" Kurt couldn't finish his sentence as Blaine began to pump his now bare cock while simultaneously groping Kurt's bare ass. Kurt had been so turned on by the new pet name, that he hadn't even noticed Blaine removing his boxer briefs. Kurt took both his hands and pressed them on the wall in front of him, so he could steady himself as Blaine was beginning to finger him. They both had their heads in each other's shoulders and were sucking at one another's earlobes and necks. Their bodies were so close together that Blaine's cock was rubbing against Kurt's belly. The friction getting Blaine off, and while he used his hands on Kurt's cock and ass. "Mhmm, Blaine, fuck…this is….awww…aww….OMG. Fuck Blaine, fuck I'm going to…" Blaine whispered into Kurt's ear, "cum bitch." And with that Kurt was coming all over Blaine's hand and stomach, and as soon as Blaine's dick felt Kurt's cum on the tip, Blaine was pushed over the edge. Blaine kept groping Kurt while riding out the craziest orgasm he had ever had and was surprised his legs didn't give out completely.

When they both started coming down off of their highs, they ended up moving to bed and laying downside by side starring at the ceiling. Pants and boxers still around their feet, and Kurt's shirt still on, with cum stains. They laid there, no words, just breathing, and thinking of what should come next on this crazy ride they were on.


	28. More Than Enough: POV All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: Thank you so much for reading this fic. From here on out, thanks to a nudge from RainbowsandRibbons, I will be writing the series in POV All-knowing. It'll just be easier in general for me, especially with the upcoming smut. Also, the plots not over. There's still a ways to go. I'm trying to conclude this story at around 50 chapters. So there's more to go. But from here forward there will be a ton of smut. So, if that's not your jam, feel free to stop at this chapter, I won't be offended. PLEASE leave reviews. Since this is my first fic it's vitally important that I learn from it, so I can improve my future writing. So, please let me know. And thank you to everyone who has already read, reviewed, hearted, and more. Can't wait to follow you all into the new year with this fic!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine laid there, starring up, and thinking a bit longer before going to the bathroom and grabbing two wet washcloths for him and Kurt. They cleaned themselves up, pulled up their pants, Kurt borrowed a shirt from Blaine, and when they were done Blaine grabbed Kurt a glass of water. They had said very little to each other in this time. They were both still on a high from that experience, but Kurt could tell Blaine was a little nervous. And Kurt could feel that the alcohol and the Xanax he had taken before his tutoring appointment was wearing off. It was hitting both of them at the same time. The weight that although they could just evolve around the topic at hand, and just fuck around, it wouldn’t make things any easier. Actually, Blaine felt that making that choice actually just made things ten times harder for him, because even if he was going to attempt to give Kurt space, now he felt like he needs him even more. And Kurt now felt as though Blaine would never escape his heart and mind.

“Hey Kurt, can you sit down with me on the couch? I really want to talk.” Blaine said, hesitant. Kurt looked at Blaine knowing exactly what was coming and he sat down. _Kurt, you have a choice. What do you want?_ Kurt was thinking, trying to get his brain to feel the same way his heart did about Blaine. “Kurt?” He was snapped out of his thoughts, “I’m sorry Blaine, what did you say?” Blaine looked at him and could tell he was going through his own personal moment. “Kurt, don’t apologize, I was just asking how you are doing.” Kurt could hear the sincerity in his voice and could see the concern in his eyes, and immediately felt like spilling his life to Blaine. He could feel the all too familiar tug from his heart to be vulnerable and honest and to trust Blaine. And he was choosing to. Even though he had endured pain, in this moment he was going to choose hope. The old Kurt before the drugs and bad choices would have chosen hope. And he wanted Blaine in every way because yes, the sex was glorious, but he wasn’t going to use Blaine. He wanted to be a good person again, someone who cared. “Blaine, I’m not doing good. There’s a lot I need to tell you.”

Blaine looked at Kurt with shining eyes, “Kurt, I have all the time in the world. I really want to know you. I know you love theatre and fashion, and I know the color of your eyes, but I want to know you underneath it all.”

Kurt teared up, “Blaine, I don’t know if you really want to be with me. You see, I’m an alcoholic, and I am also addicted to pills, and I have made really bad choices that could affect me for the rest of my life, and the only reason I said no to you last week is because I feel like I’ll never be good enough for you and I know you can do better than me. And I can’t afford another heartbreak.”

Blaine had started crying, heartbroken that Kurt felt that way. “Kurt, you don’t understand, when I look at you all I see is a beautiful human who just has this aura around him that I love. You will never have to work to be good enough. You were more than enough for me from the beginning.”

Kurt was in disbelief, not sure whether or not Blaine was telling the truth. He could hear and see the sincerity, but his past always made him second-guess. Blaine took his hand, “Kurt, I’m serious. I asked you out because I want you. I asked you out because I like you more than you will believe. I asked you out because I just feel like I’ve always known you. And Kurt, my intentions are not built on sex. I want everything. I know you said earlier you couldn’t be everything, but that’s what I want. And if you don’t want that, it’s okay, but know that I can’t do this with you. I can’t have sex and nothing else because I never want you to feel used and I can’t afford to be heartbroken forever.” 

Blaine was terrified right now. He had just given up a first time (kinda) to someone with who he wanted more with. And he knew that if it didn’t work out it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and it would still count, but his heart would hurt. Just like it hurt the entirety of the past week, and just like it hurt for years after Theo. It would hurt. And he didn’t want to hurt, not after he was just beginning to live in his newfound freedom. Kurt wasn’t looking at Blaine, but instead breathing, trying to process this conversation.

“Blaine” Kurt whispered after a minute of processing, “I want this too. I want us. It’s just I have a lot of problems. I have a lot of trauma, and I’m currently not sober, and it’s a lot. I want this too, but I want you to know what you are getting into.”

“Kurt, I promise you I have trauma and baggage and years of pent-up anger and have a lot I need to deal with too. So, it’s not just you. You are not alone. I know what I’m getting into. I’m getting into life with a boy that rocked my world from day one. Let me in. I want this and just know you want it too. Stop fighting how you feel, Kurt. You don’t have to hide who you are around me. Even if you are someone you aren’t proud of you. You don’t have to hide you. Kurt, I…I….God Kurt, I don’t know what else to say except that I fucking LOVE you Kurt.” And with that, they were both crying, and they were kissing, tasting the salt on each other’s lips. It was emotional and raw, and passionate and they were both nervous, and yet excited to be there in that moment together. They pulled away from the kiss and just hugged as though they had never done so before, and Kurt said, “Blaine, I love you too. I want to know you too.”


	29. Newness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Kurt felt like it was too good to be true. He was with the guy of his dreams, at his favorite coffee shop near CBU, and just sitting there, listening to him talk about his ideas for their matching Halloween costumes. It had only been a couple of days since their honest talk where they officially became boyfriends, and they were already planning their couple's Halloween outfit. Kurt had been thinking about everything he had been through and where he was last Halloween, and it was a lot. It was overwhelming how bright life looked when he was with Blaine.

Last Halloween, he had just started abusing pills and remembered telling his father he was going out with the Glee club. This wasn’t a lie, Rachel Berry, one of his best friends from Glee club had planned a Halloween party and everyone was planning on going to her place. So, he showed up to her party and then texted Liam to come pick him up from her place. He was bored and needed to buy more drugs, and so he ditched Rachel, and all his friends to go buy drugs. That night he had let Liam park in some random parking lot, and they got high with the drugs Kurt had just bought, and then he let Liam make out with him. Liam had been all over him and had begun to give him a nasty hickey. “For fucks sake Kurt, stop being a little bitch. You’ll be fine.” Kurt pleaded with him “Liam, for real though, I really don’t want my dad to see it. He’ll have so many questions if he does.” Liam instantly got angry and yelled, “Fuck your dad Kurt. Stop acting like you don’t fucking belong to me! Fuck you!” And with that Liam slapped him twice, and then proceeded to drive him back to Rachels, and drop him off. He was high and bruised in more places than one, and he remembered there being this darkness that was beginning to consume him.

“Hey, baby. You look like you’re spacing out, are you okay?” Kurt snapped out his dark memory and was brought back into the light. “Oh, I’m okay. I was just thinking about something that’s all.” “oh, Okay baby. So, what do you say, Joker and Harley Quinn?” Kurt loved the idea and couldn’t wait to style Harley Quinn as a guy. He could spike his air with red, and blue temporary coloring, and it would actually be pretty easy. “Sure baby.”

**************************.

8:30PM

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “Hey Blaine babe, say a prayer for me cause I’m working tonight”

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “Okay babe. Where do you work? I never even asked you”

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “Don’t laugh, but I work at a bar. In most states, it turns out you can serve before you can drink.”

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “damn, who knew. Well, I’ll be saying a prayer. Wait, why did you take that job if you’re in recovery? Not trying to interrogate, just curious”

 **Kurt to Blaine** : “it’s a long story. Tbh, mainly for the money. I make good tips.”

Blaine had been thinking of Kurt all night. Tomorrow would be their first Halloween together and they had agreed to spend the day together since it was a Saturday and neither of them had to work or go to school. Blaine was ready to treat Kurt to a proper date, and he was anxious to understand Kurt and what it meant to be with someone who had addictions. He was confused. He had always thought addicts weren’t able to work or go to school, but Kurt seemed so functional and normal, other than his confusing behavior when it came to what he wanted for their relationship. It was all new and Blaine was nervous. He didn’t want to lose Kurt but also wanted Kurt to be healthy and wanted to encourage him to be sober. But here he was texting Kurt and becoming more confused. Why would an alcoholic apply to work and/or accept a job at a bar? Blaine had been pretty sheltered, and he had never needed money bad enough to bartend. He had privilege and often forgot about it until moments like this.

What does he even reply back? He doesn’t want to sound judgmental or stuck up or…

Why was texting so much harder than talking in-person?

 **Blaine:** “Well I’m always up for a long story when you’re ready to share. Good luck at work. Go do your thing and make good tips, and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”


	30. Uber

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.
> 
> This chapter features semi-public masturbation and sexting. And it’s really kinky. If that’s not your thing, it’s all good, just skip to the next chapter. Don’t know why I really enjoyed writing this, but I did. Eek. Enjoy it.

It was 2 am. Kurt had just left work, after finishing his shift, and thank god he had Ubered there because there had been no way he could drive home. He had texted Blaine at the beginning of his shift and it’s a good thing he did because the customers on Fridays were brutal. They were either with someone and all over them and ordering drinks out the ass or they were single and milking their one drink while trying to get with the bartender. Kurt had given in and had snuck a shot or two about midway through the night. And now was he walking out the back door, and into his Uber with a buzz. As he rode home, he couldn’t help but think of everything he wanted to do with Blaine. He and Blaine hadn’t been together since their moment on Tuesday. They had admitted their love for each other, and had cuddled till 1 AM, but they never ended up talking about sex. What each of them wanted, what boundaries there were since Blaine had alluded to not having much experience, and all of the that. And therefore, even though they had gotten coffee since then, they hadn’t done anything. And now Kurt was in the back of his uber just thinking of everything. He had a semi and wanted to be with Blaine again, and thought of all the marks he could leave on his back as he fucked Blaine. And fuck it, he didn’t even care.

2:05 AM

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “Hey, I know its late, but I can’t stop thinking about you. You up?”

Blaine had been lying in bed. He had fallen asleep but had woken up because he hadn’t eaten and was hungry. After eating, he went back to bed but couldn’t seem to fall back to sleep. He couldn’t keep his mind off of how beautiful Kurt was. He looked over to his side to table to see his phone lit up with a message.

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “Hey baby. I’m up, how’s work? You okay?”

Kurt instantly felt his entire body get spark at the thought of Blaine being awake at this time of the night.

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “work was okay. I just thought of you.”

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “what does that mean?”

Blaine was turned on by the pure thought of Kurt thinking about him. Kurt made him feel like a teenager again.

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “Well, I thought of evry way I could have u. I thought of your back muscles. I thought of the feeling of your breath on my ear when you’re sucking on my ear lobe. I thought about all of it.”

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “I been thinking about you too. I’ve been thinking about how good it’ll feel to have your cock in my mouth. I’ve never felt cock in my mouth and your cock makes me so fucking thirsty.”

Blaine became so hard while typing that sentence. He couldn’t fucking wait to have Kurt’s cock in his mouth, and make Kurt moan like no one else had, and now he was slipping his hand into his boxer briefs, steady stroking his erection and moaning.

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “Fck baby. I’m in the back of my uber home, and I’m so fcking hard right now. God you do so much to me.”

Blaine was beginning to leak pre-cum. And wanted so bad to call Kurt right now, but instead decided to egg him on. The thought of making Kurt masturbate in the back of an Uber was probably the kinkiest idea Blaine had ever thought of, and god…

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “baby, I’m stroking my cock so hard right now. Touch yourself baby. I know you want to. I know your probably leaking cause you’re so hard in your pants thinking of me. Just ‘adjust’ yourself…and imagine my also leaking cock right now.”

Kurt had decided to cross his legs, causing his hard cock to feel some friction from the movement. And as soon as Blaine’s text came through, he instantly got ten times harder. He was now clenching his phone with one hand and with the other he was trying to subtly trace over the head of his cock through his pants without the driver noticing. Luckily there weren’t too many streetlights streaming into the car. He was also trying really hard not to moan at the fact that Blaine was masturbating in his bed to this conversation. Fuck. Fuck.

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “FUCK. Baby. U r so hot. U r torturing me. I can’t full on pump my dick in the back of an uber. WTF. Ugh. Mmmm…now I’m tracing my cock and tryin not to moan. And I swear to god blaine, mmmmmm.”

Blaine was stroking his cock so roughly and trying not to cum before he got Kurt to the edge. This was so fucking hot and he wanted it to last. He was stroking himself, and then stopping, trying hard to wait.

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “Fuck baby, think of me. I’m not going to cum without you telling me. Fuck…mmmm…I’m so close, but I’m holding off for you baby. Think of my mouth around your big dick. I can already taste you.”

Kurts cock was throbbing. He had never in his life been so hard. He had also been well endowed in that area and was so hard that his cock was now half way down the inside of his thigh, and leaking, and straining so hard against the seam of his pants that every adjustment or movement would cause friction that would make him stifle a moan. He had just been tracing the inside of his thigh and the head, trying hard not to full on pump. But the more Blaine elaborated on his future blowjob, the more his length would begin to pulsate against his pants, and the more his hand would subtly press against his cock. The friction was enough to begin to make him squirm and want to moan out loud. Clutching his phone tighter, he could barely text back.

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “ohmyfckinggod….i…baby…im throbbing.”

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “baby, im moaning your name. im so so close, and the thought of you cumming down my throat could make me cum without even touching myself. Fuck…what will you feel like around my..slajeiohnhewufibvilug;……”

Blaine was typing, and as he was doing so he was stroking himself steadily but slowly, trying to take himself to the edge while also trying to wait for Kurts permission. As he was typing he had to stop pumping several times, getting too close at just the thought of Kurts cum. And when he began to end the last sentence of the text, he began to moan and shake, and was so close he couldn’t even finish the sentence.

Kurt was now officially a goner. Not even caring if the Uber driver flagged him for masturbating, he was now alternating between adjusting himself, and light stroking, and applying pressure to the vein underside his dick. And as soon as he got Blaines last text he knew that he would come any minute.

 **Kurt to Blaine:** “fuck baby. Cum. Im..fuck…”

Kurt dropped his phone and, with his now free hand covering his mouth, he roughly adjusted his pants and applied pressure to the tip of his throbbing cock, running his hand down the shaft so tightly he could feel his cocks veins through the layers of fabric and with that he was sent over the edge

Blaine simultaneously gave his dick one good pump and was moaning so loud. “FUCK baby, fuck…fuck…”

Kurt was clenching his fist and stroking his cock as he came down his leg. He was riding out his orgasm so bad that he didn’t even realize the driver pulling up to his dorm. The driver parked and cleared his throat. Kurt was pulled back to reality and got out of the car hoping he hadn’t left cum on the seat. He walked quickly to his dorm and tried not to wake Xander up as he got into the shower.

 **Blaine to Kurt:** “fuck baby. I’m so blissed out. I can’t wait till tomorrow.”


	31. TIA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.
> 
> AN: Thank you for following this story. I apologize for the long break. I hope to update every other day. Sorry I needed some breathing room from the story to see where I wanted to go with this. It's about to be mostly angst/comfort. And of course a little smut. Enjoy.

Finally, everything seemed right and normal. Even though Kurt had relapsed, he had a lot going for him. He had a job, that although sucked, paid a good wage. He had a boyfriend that was everything he'd ever wanted in a guy, and he was going to school. He wasn't behind bars, he wasn't strung out, he wasn't on the streets. He was waking up on Halloween, with the knowledge that he would get to spend the day with his beautiful, handsome, boyfriend.

Blaine woke up at 6 am, as he had almost every day, but today he woke with this electric buzz. The conversation from last night still had him blissed out, and the feeling of knowing that he would later spend the day with someone who adored him was similar to the feeling of a warm coffee on a chilly day. The warmth filling his insides and radiating out.

***********************************

Kurt was in the shower when his phone ringtone sounded the first time. He continued to shampoo his hair, ignoring it. Within 35 seconds of the first call, came a second call. Kurt was beginning to become a little agitated because scam callers were so frustrating, but usually, after two back-to-back calls, they wouldn't try again. So, he began the process of conditioning his hair, attempting to not let the calls annoy him. The third call came 15 seconds after the second. The shrill ringtone echoing throughout the bathroom again. Kurt's throat began to tighten. There had been very few times in his life where he received three calls back-to-back. Even his impulsive ex-boyfriend would usually give up after the second call. Kurt grabbed his towel, not even caring that he was soaking the floor, and retrieved the phone, not even looking to see who was calling.

"Hello", he said shortly because he was partially annoyed and partially anxious.

"Is this Kurt Hummel?" the women said, "Yes this is he, what do you need from me?"

"Hello Kurt, my name is Carol Hudson, I am a nurse at St. Rita's Medical Center. I am calling to make you aware that your father is currently being admitted to our inpatient ICU after having surfed a transient ischemic attack, otherwise known as a stroke."

Kurt felt the world stop. Everything around him seemed to become darker, and blur and the fog was beginning to set in.

"You are his power of attorney representative, so I am contacting you to inform you of what we plan to do for his care, and to ask your permission for the following procedures to occur…"

**********************************

Blaine was beginning to worry. They were supposed to meet for coffee at noon. He had texted Kurt after sitting alone in the coffee shop for an hour. Then they were supposed to go back to Blaine's place and do some interior designing stuff and then get ready for Halloween. It was now 4 pm, and he had yet to hear from Kurt. He had texted him, called him, and nothing.

Blaine tried to rationalize this by thinking of all the possibilities. Maybe he had moved too quickly. Or maybe Kurt lost his phone but that wouldn't explain why he hadn't shown up. Maybe he drank too much and was still sleeping. Or what if he's injured, or… Blaine was trying his best not to freak out. He was trying his best to not be angry for being stood up. He was trying to not think the worst. He had checked all of Kurt's socials, and there was nothing. And since they had just started dating Blaine didn't know which dorm Kurt stayed in, so it's not like he could just go to his dorm. He hadn't thought to ask.

What the hell is going on? Blaine thought of one thing he could check. He had been to Kurt's car once, and Kurt had told him he only drives it to and from school. And he hadn't driven it to work last night, so if he was on campus his car would still be there. At around 6 pm, Blaine gave in, not even caring that he was being creepy, and went to CBU. After walking the long walk to the car park with the freshman cars, he soon got the confirmation he needed. Kurt had left. His car wasn't there, he wasn't answering his phone, and now Blaine was caught in so many emotions he couldn't even identify the blur between sadness, worry, and heartbreak.

**********************************

Kurt had gotten to Lima in less than 5 hours, speeding the whole way there. After the call, he took a handful of pills, did a shot of vodka that he had hidden in his room, and packed all of his loungewear into a duffle bag, and ran to his car. Getting on the highway in less than 15 mins after his world stopped. He didn't cry, he didn't think, and he didn't even call or text anyone, he just went.

He walked into his dad's ICU room at 6:30 pm and as soon as he was there, he began to cry. It had begun to all set in. The reality that the last time he had seen his father was that Friday night a week ago in which he had disappointed his father with the news of his relapse. It was a night he didn't want to relieve until now. His father was on machines and had cords, and iv's and drains placed all over him. The doctor came in and told Kurt that this stroke was much worse than the heart attack his father had last year. And that it'd take months to recover from but that they were hopeful he'd make at least a partial recovery.

********************************

3 AM

BZZZzzzzzzzz BZZZzzzzzzz

Blaine had just fallen asleep, after being up till 2:30 AM holding his phone in the hopes that Kurt would answer his text or call him. He was now being woken up to a phone call and sighed out of relief to see it was Kurt.

"Kurt, oh my god, are you okay? I've been calling and texting and I'm so worried. What's going on?"

Kurt was overwhelmed by the worry in Blaine's voice. He was so sincere and genuine and kind.

"Hey baby, I'm a lil strung out and…" Kurt's voice was gravely and wrecked from the sobbing and crying.

"Kurt babe, where are you? You don't sound good." Kurt scoffed, "Yeah, well, I'm in Lima because my father had a stroke. And I'm not okay. And I want to be. And I'm callin you because I'm tryin really hard not to drink anymore gin. And I don't understand why this is happenen, and why nothin in my life can be normal or okay and I'm sorry for leavin you, and…." Kurt dissolved into crying for the billionth time since he had gotten to Lima.

Blaine couldn't help himself. He couldn't bear to think of Kurt doing this alone. And he sounded alone.

"Kurt do you want me there?"

"no. I thought I could handle it."

"Kurt, do you need me there?"

"yes."


	32. Ohio Tales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

It hadn't even been a week and he was scared. He was okay with being there for someone, but a part of Blaine wasn't sure. He was sure of his feelings for Kurt but he wasn't sure of how far he could go to support him. He never wanted to go back to Ohio. He left there with such deep feelings of disgust, and rejection that he had made an oath to never go back. But here he was, less than a month later, boarding a flight to Columbus at 5 am. He knew that if he didn't go, and if he didn't show up for Kurt, he would regret it. But he was also not ready to go back there and wasn't sure he was ready to be someone's rock after having gone for years completely, and utterly alone. But he was going to try.

When he arrived in Columbus, he got into an uber and made his way to a small home in Lima. Kurt had been so out of it that he couldn't even remember his address, but luckily was able to share his location using his iPhone with Blaine. As he rode to Kurt's house he attempted to mentally shove aside everything that was bubbling to the surface from being back in Ohio and tried his best to lay it to rest in a box in the back of his mind. He wanted to be there for Kurt, and not be drowned in his own stuff. So, he shoved it all aside and it's a good thing he did, because when he walked into the house, he found Kurt on the bathroom floor with an empty bottle of gin next to him, and a bottle of pills on the sink. Blaine took a deep breath, trying not to freak out or think the worst.

"Kurt. Kurt honey"

Blaine took a huge breath of relief when Kurt opened his eyes, slightly confused.

"What're you doing here? I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this". Kurt said confused and groggy, and he could feel his head pounding from the fluorescent bathroom light.

"Kurt honey. Why don't we get you changed, and get some water and Tylenol in you." Blaine went into caregiver mode and cared for Kurt like his mother did when he was a child. And after Kurt was cleaned up and in bed to sober up a little, Blaine sat there and watched him. Allowing himself to be present and feel a little of every emotion he had bottled up. He was so enamored with Kurt. He looked so calm when he slept, and he was so beautiful, and Blaine wanted to be with him. But Blaine also felt so much fear. What was he going to do about Kurt's addictions? He didn't want anything bad to happen to Kurt, and he was obviously not doing well, and it was scary. Blaine wasn't doing well either and he knew it. Sure, Kurt had come along, and they had their talk, and now that he had him in his life he was happier but he wasn't truly content. A part of him feared that Kurt would leave him just like others had. A part of Blaine was still in pain from the rejection of his parents. And even though the past couple of weeks Blaine had put on a brave face, acting as though he was this new person, deep down, he was still hurting.

********************************** 

When Kurt woke, he woke a new person. "Hey, Blaine." He said quietly. It was now about 1 pm and Blaine had only been asleep in the desk chair next to Kurt's bed for about 45 minutes when he heard the angelic voice. "Hey baby, how are you feeling?" Kurt sighed happily, "I'm feeling a lot better. And I hate to say this, don't take it wrong, but how'd you get here?" Blaine sighed, a little sad that Kurt had gotten so wasted that he hadn't remembered last night. But he couldn't blame him, and of course, he wasn't mad, just a bit sad. "So, you called me this morning at 3 am, and you sounded really drunk, and I was really worried. I asked if you needed me and you said yes. So, I hopped on a flight at 5 am and got here at around 8. When I found you, you looked pretty rough, so I got you changed and put you to bed". Blaine hadn't expected Kurt to suddenly start crying, face red, and tears streaming. Blaine instantly climbed into bed next to Kurt and held him.

"Why are you crying baby?" "I've just never been cared for that kindly by a boyfriend. Thank you so much for coming. I'm sorry I'm a mess". Blaine's heart hurt. "Don't apologize Kurt. Your dad had a stroke, of course, I'd be here for you".

They spent an hour just holding onto one another. Breathing in rhythm and feeling one another's warmth. There's something so beautiful about being able to breathe in someone you love and want, and who already has taken up residence in your heart. And in those moments, all the worry and what-ifs fade away.

They finally make it to the hospital at around 3 PM, and as soon as they get there, Kurt takes up permanent residence sitting next to his fathers' bed, with his father's hand in his own. Kurt doesn't believe in prayer but at this moment, he feels the need to pray. He cries sometimes, and other times he just sits there stoic, and numb. He snuck a couple of pills in before coming so he wouldn't be sobbing the entire time. But he was trying to do better with the drinking. He was slightly ashamed that he had such a rough night. And that he even got Blaine to fly out because of it. It was his mess to clean up and he didn't want to involve anyone else like he had involved his father last time. But he showed up, and Kurt was thankful for it despite everything. He couldn't foresee his future but knowing that someone was willing to be there for him meant a lot.

*************************************

"Blaine, take my car and drive back to my place. Go get some sleep it's 9 PM, and you've been awake since 5 AM. Go sleep" Kurt could tell Blaine was exhausted and there wasn't much talking or much to do as he just sat there with his father. He also felt bad because Blaine had been so kind and sweet and he truly didn't have to be and Kurt felt as though he wasn't fully deserving of his kind soul. "Nope. As much as that sounds good, I'm here for you, so I will gladly wait until you are ready to leave." Although Blaine was exhausted, he was worried about Kurt and didn't want to leave him. He wanted to make sure he got home and to bed sober, or at least not wasted. "Babe, are you sure?" "yes, I am fine. Promise." And so they sat there and after Kurt was done crying at around 11 PM they headed out of the hospital.

As they walked down the long corridor with room after room, Kurt couldn't help but feel sad at the other families who were here with their loved ones. He was exhausted and wanted to drink himself to sleep again because the emotions of it all cut deep. As they exited the hospital, he did a double-take. He could've sworn he'd seen a familiar face walking in as he was going out, but maybe it was just that he was tired and confused. Blaine drove home and on their way home Kurt thought about that face. He swore that face was the older, kind woman that he had met on a couple of occasions. Maybe his mind was playing tricks on him.

Once they were ready for bed, Kurt asked Blaine kindly and warm "Blaine will you sleep with me?" Blaine had never slept the full night with a guy and as he climbed into bed with Kurt wrapping him up in his arms, he couldn't help but feel warm and right. He knew then that although he was scared, he was in the right place, right where he should be.


	33. Eyes of Despair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

Blaine woke up at 7 am to an empty bed but a wonderful smell. He walked into the kitchen to find Kurt cooking breakfast. It's probably the most beautiful thing Blaine's ever seen. Kurt in the kitchen, with the autumn morning light illuminating him, as he wears only boxers and an adorable frilly apron. He's humming to himself while standing at the stove, and it's so damn cute Blaine fills up with the urge to hug him to death.

Of course, Blaine instantly wrapped his arms around Kurt from behind, placing a small kiss at the base of his neck. Kurt leaned into Blaine's embrace, feeling warm inside from it, and although they hadn't finished what they had started on Friday night over text, they didn't feel the need to, because they just enjoyed holding one another during this stressful time.

Sadly, it was short-lived when Blaine realized it was Monday and he had emails to send to make everyone aware that he would not be in class, and at his internship for the next couple of days.

"Blaine, I'm so sorry. I swear I'm doing better. I even got up and made breakfast for us. You should go back and if you leave now, you could fly in before noon." Kurt felt horrible about burdening Blaine with his issues. And with the entire situation, especially because they were new to doing life together. "Kurt this breakfast is wonderful, and I appreciate you apologizing but you do not need to. I'm here for you, no matter what. And will be here for you until your father improves. No arguing." And with that Kurt took a deep breath and let Blaine in. "Thank you."

************************************ 

Kurt on his way into the hospital thought about the face from last night. The older lady brought back one of the only memories from the last year he didn't mind having. On a cold Sunday afternoon in January, after a rough binge the night before, Kurt had woken up in his own bed but without his cell phone. He had looked all over the house for it and hadn't found it. So eventually he got dressed and drove to all the places he could've possibly gone the night before since he could not remember what had happened the last night. He drove for hours, and finally, as the sun was setting, he gave in and went to Liam's house. It was a small, rundown house, in a suburb of Columbus, and when he knocked on the door, an older woman answered. He hadn't ever met Liam's mother or father and was sure that Liam had no plans of introducing him to them. He and Liam had been together for almost three months and he knew his relationship with Liam was all transactional and he knew it would only last as long as Liam wanted and needed him, and therefore he knew that he would never be introduced to Liam's parents. So, when the older woman answered the door, it caught him off guard. She looked exhausted, and yet so so beautiful. She was tall and slim figured like Liam, and she had beautiful, long blond hair and piercing green eyes. She was gorgeous and yet she looked so exhausted that it was almost like someone had taken the life out of her.

"Hello, can I help you?"

Kurt remembers suddenly feeling so sad. Seeing her and listening to her speak that cold afternoon was the sign that Liam, even to the people closest to him, drained the good. He was this individual that had led Kurt down the worst path of his life. In the three months, Kurt and he had been together Kurt had started drinking, using pills, and now Liam was his gateway to the vices he had become attached to. And even after interacting with his mother, he still stayed with Liam until he was arrested, and Liam abandoned him.

And as they walked into the hospital Kurt thought of the sad women walking in last night. The woman he was almost certain was Liam's mother. Why would she be in Lima? He shoved it to the back of his mind and went to his father's room.

As soon as he got into the room, he automatically knew everything would be okay.

"Hey, son." His father was sitting up and talking. "Oh my god, Dad!" Kurt ran to the bed and instantly started crying, hugging his father loosely as to not disturb the tubes and wires on his body. "Oh, thank god." "It's okay son. I'm going to be fine."

The doctors came in shortly after and announced that there was very little cognitive damage and that although his father's left side was much weaker than his right, he could rehab in a matter of a couple of months and be okay. Luckily, Kurt's father had a backup person who could run his car shop while he was rehabbing. And everything was looking up. "Kurt, listen to me, I love you. But you need to go back to school. I'm going to be okay." "No dad, I don't want to leave you." "Son, I will be in the hospital a little longer, and then I'll be at a rehab facility until I can live on my own. But you need to trust me when I say I got this. Your school is much more important, and your health is more important, and you need to go back to work."

Kurt was terrified of leaving his father but knew he was right. Blaine was in the waiting room, reading a magazine, while Kurt visited his father. He wanted to give them some privacy and wasn't sure if his father would be awake and figured this may not be a good time to meet. So, he waited for Kurt. A couple of hours later Kurt walked out, and for the first time looked relieved. "My dad's okay. He's going to be okay." Blaine smiled, and took a deep breath, "Oh, I'm so happy to hear that." "Yeah, me too. He wants me to go back to school tomorrow, and he said he's going to get everything worked out. Blaine, I'm so relieved." "I am too." Blaine wanted to give Kurt a hug but thought against it, remembering that they were in Ohio. "Okay, let's get going, so we can pack and head back." Kurt was confident in leaving, and as he walked down the corridor of rooms, he was in such a hopeful mood that he had to do a double-take, as he walked past a woman crying outside of a room.

Kurt stopped walking and looked back. It was her. His heart got the best of him, and he didn't know what he was thinking, but he just felt like consoling her. "Blaine just give me a second." Blaine stopped and turned around to see Kurt walking towards the crying woman. "Ma'am. I know you may not remember me, but at one point I was a good friend of your son. I just wanted to let you know I'll be having you in my thoughts." She looked up, and the despair in her eyes was evident. "Thank you. If you want to see him, he's in the room to my right."

Kurt stopped, realizing that she was crying, not over a family friend or her own extended family but she was crying because her child was in the hospital bed. Liam was in the hospital.


End file.
